...hmm...

Random Thoughts....free verse so it won't make any sense, just me talking and getting all off my chest.

So work is good. Gotta love it...get pd for over 8 hours and work under 8 hours, work is easy...gotta love it. Work is bad, I'm kind of bored, kind of scared. Divorce does a number on you & your credit. But a good opportunity to grow so we gotta focus on the light. Yeah, Divorce does a number on you, on your soul, on your credit, on your heart, on your spirit. Just when I think I'm up and going, I'm crushed back down. WHy, its all back to the divorce. Took Joshie to the soccer field and saw all the moms lounging in their soccer mom lawn chairs. I arrive, rushing and hair all crazy falling out of a bun, sweating in my hosery and heels from work. Spence would love to be out here too, but I can't do it by myself. There's a dad at the soccer field playing with his little boys. The boys listen to dad when its time to go, they're balanced and happy. My kids don't listen to me or let me sleep. ONce again, divorce crushing my spirit. I'm happy, god works his will in our lives and it is the best plan, even if we don't understand-it is perfect. I'm happy to be single again, just sucks to be so lonely. Sucks not to trust people. People really suck. I want to trust and feel at ease but I know I can't. This is god's plan for me. One day I'll understand. I wnat to smile again and really be happy. If the dad doesn't even want to participate in the little ones' lives then who else will even care. I care but I'm tired. I'm exhausted its too much for me. That saying being alone amongst people is so true. Nobody cares and life goes on. Life goes on.

Insomnia Wins Again!

Its 4:02 am in Houston, TX....Insomnia wins again. I can't sleep, Trey has to be on the school bus in about 3 1/2 hours and I have to go to work later in the day. I'm a little anxious for the boys starting school tomorrow. I didn't have enough $$ to finish their back to school shopping. Once again, I will be reminded of how poor of a job I am doing by raising the kids on my own, juggling a career and home life all by myself.

I will now try sleeping...

Just what I needed to hear...

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already have decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wakeup. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty Ihave with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and bethankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the newday and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be, to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Pass this message to 7 people, EXCEPT ME. You will receive a miracletomorrow.Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracletomorrow. So send it right now!

Just as I finished editing this post my 3 yr old son came running up to me with a huge smile and my bible. He plopped it on my lap and ran away laughing. Ok, I get it....

Food for Thought...

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.--Antoine de St. Exupery

Masochist

Ok, I probably spelled it all wrong, but whatever. So, I like to inflict pain to myself I've realized. I am posting to my blog when quite obviously I should be on the internet looking for a job. Hello, Mere, priorities. I checked out some blogs today that I tend to frequent (belladonna...where are you?) and posted happy thoughts I'm radiating right now. Then, the masochist in me decided to check out dear you know who's blog. I don't know why I do that...he hadn't posted since February when he dropped the bomb..."oh yeah, by the way, I have MD" but I just check every so often to see how he's doing...why, he never posts, but I do it anyhow. He posted late last month, nothing major, just a short blurb. Makes me sad. But I did pray that if he wasn't meant to be then he shouldn't be in my life. Sure enough, prayer answered! Don't know why I miss him, probably because it was somebody to go out with occassionally that didn't care about my situation(s).

once, again, focus...priorities....Robert doesn't matter any more. I don't matter to him so why should I care. I don't understand the ways of the world and this whole Christianity thing. I'm supposed to care, but in this case I'm not supposed to because it will harm me (according to family and those who appear concerned about me). I care too much but trying not to. Oh well.

I hate that almost 2 months later I'm still pining over that man! The whole relationship lasted a total of 11 months, is it going to take me that long to get over it?

Just like my pen pal from High School. I was over it, moved along, and then when the chapter is closed there is continuation. closed again, somebody wants to re-open, in one way or another. Why does that dude keep popping up in my life again and again and again. There is nothing at all that we can gain from one another, but he is still popping up, be it a month later, a year later, even like 5 years later. Why?

I have a job interview today. We shall see what comes of this! Wish me luck.