Patiently waiting right now, its almost midnight, Trey's been sick all day. Now I'm really starting to worry. I called his pediatrician's office. They are on call 24 hours/day. They'll call me back and tell me what to do. I'm thinking the hospital at this point. Great, I think our medical coverage is about to run out too.
Such is life!
Please keep us in your prayers guys. And pray that the others, including mommy, don't get this gunk too.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
And the search continues
So today all went well health wise and we made it to church. I'd never been to a baptist church before so this was a totally new experience for me.
The church was HUGE. Certainly nothing like Copperfield Bible Church, small & quaint. the kids were in two different buildings Spencer & Mila in one and Trey in another. Trey was in the JOY building. They call the ministry for children with special needs the JOY ministry. THe purpose is to find JOY in disability. I'm all about emphasising the positives in Trey.
After about 20 minutes of signing kids in and getting them situated, I finally got to sit in on the Joyful Journey bible study. It was myself, a couple and the facilitator. Later another couple joined us. I try my best to keep a positive outlook and focus on Trey's plusses, like he's very talented with numbers an music. I was a little depressed in the bible study because we didn't study the bible and we didn't talk aobut the positives of the kids. The other couple is very emotional about their son's diagnoses, (usually Autism or PDD is related with other diagnoses such as epilepsy and MR for Trey). They seemed to have this woa-is-me-because-I-have-a- disabled-child attitude. The husband even started crying. Not my cup of tea. Everybody was trying to associate with me, (like I know Suzy Q who is about to get a divorce, maybe you can talk to her about being single or my grandson in Wisconsin is Autistic too), it was too much. I did pray for a place that I could fit in. It was cool, I saw one of the helpers taking Trey for a tour around the campus of the church in a wagon. Its nice to be able to drop Trey off and let people know that he is Autistic and not get a raised brow, not get a negative reaction but he is embraced with open arms and knowledgable people.
I went to the service also. This was a new experience. The choir was full fledged with electric and acoustic guitars, an army of singers, power point show and all. They said that they usually bring the children of JOY over to sing with the congregation. I think Trey will freak out. We'll just take it one day at a time. The pastor was very funny, but hardly filling my spiritual cup this week. It took more time to sing all the songs than it did to read from the bible. He read Genesis chapters 3 &4 and followed with his story/sermon. I am used to the slower pace of a bible church where you actually STUDY the bible and apply the word to your life.
In conclusion, I was overwhelmed. I think this may be a good place for the kids, but not necessarily for me. I underline the word may because Spencer & Mila are pretty easy going and adjust fairly well to new situations. Trey is a little more challenging to caregivers, including mommy at times. I try my best not to limit Trey and associate him with only special needs kids, but other groups don't understand that he has special needs and get really frustrated with him. The size of the church was pretty intimidating too. I have not scratched this option off my list completely yet. I may consider just going for bible study. At least I know that the option is there.
The church was HUGE. Certainly nothing like Copperfield Bible Church, small & quaint. the kids were in two different buildings Spencer & Mila in one and Trey in another. Trey was in the JOY building. They call the ministry for children with special needs the JOY ministry. THe purpose is to find JOY in disability. I'm all about emphasising the positives in Trey.
After about 20 minutes of signing kids in and getting them situated, I finally got to sit in on the Joyful Journey bible study. It was myself, a couple and the facilitator. Later another couple joined us. I try my best to keep a positive outlook and focus on Trey's plusses, like he's very talented with numbers an music. I was a little depressed in the bible study because we didn't study the bible and we didn't talk aobut the positives of the kids. The other couple is very emotional about their son's diagnoses, (usually Autism or PDD is related with other diagnoses such as epilepsy and MR for Trey). They seemed to have this woa-is-me-because-I-have-a- disabled-child attitude. The husband even started crying. Not my cup of tea. Everybody was trying to associate with me, (like I know Suzy Q who is about to get a divorce, maybe you can talk to her about being single or my grandson in Wisconsin is Autistic too), it was too much. I did pray for a place that I could fit in. It was cool, I saw one of the helpers taking Trey for a tour around the campus of the church in a wagon. Its nice to be able to drop Trey off and let people know that he is Autistic and not get a raised brow, not get a negative reaction but he is embraced with open arms and knowledgable people.
I went to the service also. This was a new experience. The choir was full fledged with electric and acoustic guitars, an army of singers, power point show and all. They said that they usually bring the children of JOY over to sing with the congregation. I think Trey will freak out. We'll just take it one day at a time. The pastor was very funny, but hardly filling my spiritual cup this week. It took more time to sing all the songs than it did to read from the bible. He read Genesis chapters 3 &4 and followed with his story/sermon. I am used to the slower pace of a bible church where you actually STUDY the bible and apply the word to your life.
In conclusion, I was overwhelmed. I think this may be a good place for the kids, but not necessarily for me. I underline the word may because Spencer & Mila are pretty easy going and adjust fairly well to new situations. Trey is a little more challenging to caregivers, including mommy at times. I try my best not to limit Trey and associate him with only special needs kids, but other groups don't understand that he has special needs and get really frustrated with him. The size of the church was pretty intimidating too. I have not scratched this option off my list completely yet. I may consider just going for bible study. At least I know that the option is there.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Writer's Block
I think some of us get this sometimes. Lately, I've been trying to write more about the rest of my life...I really do have depth & dimension.
I read this on somebody's XANGA site. These are much like a blog. Maybe I'll try one out. Maybe one of my posts will be a little more interesting.
33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression.
1. Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.
2. Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.
3. Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.
4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, the small things, and everything in between you can think of.
5. Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing you appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.
6. Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can't think of any more. Then choose the top five.
7. For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.
8. Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.
9. Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.
10. Describe how your life would be different if _________ had or had not happened. Here are some example:
- If your parents had divorced
- If your parents had remained married
- If your parents had been married
- If your mother hadn't passed away
- If you hadn't moved to ____
- If you had gone to college
- If you hadn't gone to college
- If you had gone to ____ college
- If you had never met ______
- If you hadn't broken up with ______
11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.
12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.
13. Write about your junior year in high school.
14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.
15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.
16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.
17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.
18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.
19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.
20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:
- What your life is like now
- What you have learned since you were 10
- What you want him or her to know
- What you want him or her to be aware of
- What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of
21.Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.
22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn't appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.
23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.
24. Think of someone who never acknowledged YOU for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.
25. Make alist of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.
26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:
Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences
27. Write about the five things you most like to do.
28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.
29. Make a list of five places you'd like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.
30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.
31. Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
32. Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
33. Write a lettter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.
Please pray for me...
Ok, I feel a little selfish when I ask others to pray for me, but I'll do it anyhow.
Earlier this week I was so very excited about the church I found that has the Special Needs Kids ministry. All week long I've been looking forward to attending. Today, I woke up with a relapse of last week not feeling very well. My throat is killing me so much I can barely talk. I have a fever, that I've been prespiring all day and changing clothes just to get comfy, and I'm a pretty cold natured person. My head is killing me. It hurts to sit up, but w/3 kids there is no room or time for resting. when I was laying down, they all came inthe room and jumped on the bed, poked me in the eyes, etc. If you have kids, you know how it goes. So please pray that Satan goes away and I am able to kick this funky feeling and able to attend church tomorrow.
Please pray that my kids will also be healthy and be able to attend. Basically, please pray that there are no glitches and we'll be able to make it to church tomorrow.
Finally, something that I didn't report earlier that I'm TOTALLY stoked about...next Saturday will be my 1st belly dance lesson in Houston! I am excited! I haven't taught in about 5 yrs. so you can imagine I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me this week. This is like my "second job" to make ends meet and get out of this place I'm living.
Earlier this week I was so very excited about the church I found that has the Special Needs Kids ministry. All week long I've been looking forward to attending. Today, I woke up with a relapse of last week not feeling very well. My throat is killing me so much I can barely talk. I have a fever, that I've been prespiring all day and changing clothes just to get comfy, and I'm a pretty cold natured person. My head is killing me. It hurts to sit up, but w/3 kids there is no room or time for resting. when I was laying down, they all came inthe room and jumped on the bed, poked me in the eyes, etc. If you have kids, you know how it goes. So please pray that Satan goes away and I am able to kick this funky feeling and able to attend church tomorrow.
Please pray that my kids will also be healthy and be able to attend. Basically, please pray that there are no glitches and we'll be able to make it to church tomorrow.
Finally, something that I didn't report earlier that I'm TOTALLY stoked about...next Saturday will be my 1st belly dance lesson in Houston! I am excited! I haven't taught in about 5 yrs. so you can imagine I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me this week. This is like my "second job" to make ends meet and get out of this place I'm living.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Pink Ink In My Think
I've had for almost a year...here's a little entry more about something other than you know who...
My 3 little ones are the light of my life. I think that was my recent obsession with YKW (you know who). All I wanted was to provide the best life for them, provide a family for them like I had, with a mom & dad, and sisters and going to ballet class, the whole bit. Although YKW is an awesome person, he has served his purpose. He continues to be a great influence in my life, but friends are good to have, and I have to continue to tell myself that. I kept focusing on getting a "normal family" that I overlooked something detrementally important...take care of my kids. By no means were they neglected but I now intend on dedicating more time and energy on them. They are just babies, they need me now more than ever!
Trey is my oldest. He still has a cherub face at the age of 4. He is so sweet, so loving. There is an innocence he will always have that I just adore. I love the way he looks at me with such love. so pure, so innocent, so honest, without pretense, so unconditional. I get so frustrated with him. The constant echolalia (that is echoing words and phrases), the constant whine when he gets frustrated, (which is often), the repetitive behaviors. I'll yell at him, then he gives me the big brown puppy dog eyes...who can resist? It puts me in check. I love him so much, and perhaps one day you'll read this Trey, never forget despite everything I love you.
Spencer, oh Spencer. What a little trip this kid is. He is silly and sweetness all rolled into one. Quite reminisent of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Funny, that was his dad's nickname. He is almost identical to his dad in behavior and attitude unfortunantely the temper to match with the hitting and pushing. Part of it is the 3 year old behavior, but part of it, I don't care what "experts" say, he has inherited that hot temper from his dad. Tahnk goodness the kids werequite small when their dad became physically aggresive with me, I can't recall him doing anything infront of the boys, but their dad hasn't been around enough for them to pick up habits. Spencer will protect you until the end if its in his heart. He doesn't let anybody pick on Trey or Mila and is quite generous with the hugs. He picks flowers for me everyday after school. The only man I can count on to give me flowers. :) Spencer, you make me laugh even when I don't want to. I love you for that! Even when I'm crying you'll come up and hug me and tell me the best way you can that "it's all right". I love you so much!!
Last but certainly not least...my lovely Mila. (Pronounced My-la) I always wanted a little girl to dress up and put big pink bows in her hair. I got a little girl all right, but don't bother with the bows because she'll rip them out. Don't take her purse away from her either because she'll punch you out. Talk about a liberated woman. At the tender age of 2, she stands up for what she wants...you go girl. Her determination and tenacity, wow, had I possessed just 1/4 of what this little girl does at 19, I would be a different person today. She will find a way to get what she wants when she wants it. Then she'll use her feminine charm and melt your heart with her smile. To me, she's absolutely stunning when she's serious and precious when she smiles. She'll be on that show America's Next Top Model when she's 21 or so. Her brothers will have to watch out for her boyfriends! She radiates love...she'll cuddle with anybody and is another one whose generous with the hugs. Mila, keep that determination and tenacity forever, don't let anybody tell you that you can't....show them that you will. your beauty shines from the inside out. I love you so much little woman.
All three of them are my pillars of strength. I love them more than anything else in this world. They the reason I wake up in the morning and exhaust me enough to help me get a good night's sleep (at times). Its so true what tehy say...when you become a mother be prepared to have your heart walk on the outside of your body...or something like that.
My 3 little ones are the light of my life. I think that was my recent obsession with YKW (you know who). All I wanted was to provide the best life for them, provide a family for them like I had, with a mom & dad, and sisters and going to ballet class, the whole bit. Although YKW is an awesome person, he has served his purpose. He continues to be a great influence in my life, but friends are good to have, and I have to continue to tell myself that. I kept focusing on getting a "normal family" that I overlooked something detrementally important...take care of my kids. By no means were they neglected but I now intend on dedicating more time and energy on them. They are just babies, they need me now more than ever!
Trey is my oldest. He still has a cherub face at the age of 4. He is so sweet, so loving. There is an innocence he will always have that I just adore. I love the way he looks at me with such love. so pure, so innocent, so honest, without pretense, so unconditional. I get so frustrated with him. The constant echolalia (that is echoing words and phrases), the constant whine when he gets frustrated, (which is often), the repetitive behaviors. I'll yell at him, then he gives me the big brown puppy dog eyes...who can resist? It puts me in check. I love him so much, and perhaps one day you'll read this Trey, never forget despite everything I love you.
Spencer, oh Spencer. What a little trip this kid is. He is silly and sweetness all rolled into one. Quite reminisent of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Funny, that was his dad's nickname. He is almost identical to his dad in behavior and attitude unfortunantely the temper to match with the hitting and pushing. Part of it is the 3 year old behavior, but part of it, I don't care what "experts" say, he has inherited that hot temper from his dad. Tahnk goodness the kids werequite small when their dad became physically aggresive with me, I can't recall him doing anything infront of the boys, but their dad hasn't been around enough for them to pick up habits. Spencer will protect you until the end if its in his heart. He doesn't let anybody pick on Trey or Mila and is quite generous with the hugs. He picks flowers for me everyday after school. The only man I can count on to give me flowers. :) Spencer, you make me laugh even when I don't want to. I love you for that! Even when I'm crying you'll come up and hug me and tell me the best way you can that "it's all right". I love you so much!!
Last but certainly not least...my lovely Mila. (Pronounced My-la) I always wanted a little girl to dress up and put big pink bows in her hair. I got a little girl all right, but don't bother with the bows because she'll rip them out. Don't take her purse away from her either because she'll punch you out. Talk about a liberated woman. At the tender age of 2, she stands up for what she wants...you go girl. Her determination and tenacity, wow, had I possessed just 1/4 of what this little girl does at 19, I would be a different person today. She will find a way to get what she wants when she wants it. Then she'll use her feminine charm and melt your heart with her smile. To me, she's absolutely stunning when she's serious and precious when she smiles. She'll be on that show America's Next Top Model when she's 21 or so. Her brothers will have to watch out for her boyfriends! She radiates love...she'll cuddle with anybody and is another one whose generous with the hugs. Mila, keep that determination and tenacity forever, don't let anybody tell you that you can't....show them that you will. your beauty shines from the inside out. I love you so much little woman.
All three of them are my pillars of strength. I love them more than anything else in this world. They the reason I wake up in the morning and exhaust me enough to help me get a good night's sleep (at times). Its so true what tehy say...when you become a mother be prepared to have your heart walk on the outside of your body...or something like that.
I'm back...
***let me start by appologizing for the previous post. bella - it appears that I too am technologically challenged, my post was much longer but 1/2 of it didn't appear??? What's up with that blogger people?? Anyhow, I sounded stupid & shallow. The good stuff got erased. Oh well.***
Bella & Tom...I love you guys!!
Thank you so much for the responses and comments. Your words are truely a blessing to me. Sometimes you need to see it (hence why I have a blog) to comprehend it. Sometimes the Lord has to hit you over the head with the answers (hence your words Bella & Tom).Here's a quick (or at least that's my intention) synopsis of the week...
- Starbucks was great, I got my spiritual "fill" that I have been seeking. At least for the week. I got a semi-appology from Robert for his inappropriate behavior and actions. Wow...a man admits he might be wrong...big step. I call it a semi-appology because he didn't say, I'm sorry Meredith, he just admited that he was wrong. As I said...big step. We ate dinner and throughout the evening, I realized that he's a good friend, we can talk bible, we can talk sports, (at least I try to), we can swap kid stories, but that's it. He's so anti-commitment and I jumped into this situation heart first. Then there was your comments Tom & Bella. Thank you. I REALLY needed to hear it for confirmation.
- My sis showed up at Starbucks to spy on Rob & I. Can you believe that after almost 1 year, he never met my family. HUGE deal. I live w/my sis and my other sis & mom live about 10 minutes from me. We are close in distance and emotion. another story, another time. At any rate, it was a little weird to have my sis there. Oh well.
- On Friday, doing a little research I found a church that has a ministry especially for children with Special Needs. They even go out to your car & help you with getting the kids out of the car! This is a HUGE deal when you have 3 toddlers. At our bible study, Robert mentioned this ministry. I feel like Rob suggesting that I attend this church was like God's way of hitting me over the head w/a 2 x 4....like go to this church; it was the 3rd suggestion to go to that church/ministry that very weekend. Rob even offered to talk to the pastor of the church for me to make certian that the kids and I had everything we needed to be prepared for church (sign ups for the kids and all). This was REALLY WEIRD considering his anti-relationship stance and all. I was touched by this action, but I still realize that there really nothing more to this than him being a good Christian. I'm so tired of acting tough that I'll gladly accept any assistance in any realm of my life. The fact that Rob knew this ministry makes me feel at ease about going because I think he has a gift of discernment when it comes to people or churches who pose as "Christian".
- Trey was approved for several benefits through the state!! Yeah! I have only been working with disability system of the state since 2001 when Trey was about 5 months old, he's now 4 years old! I am blessed to be in TX these benefits are not even available in Louisiana. Sure, it saddens me to have an official diagnosis of a "mentally retarded" child but he has lots of open doors for help and we can move on from here.
- I was strong enough to tell somebody no...I accepted just about any date, even if I didn't feel safe, partially my insecurity, partially me not wanting to hurt anybody not realizing that it hurts more for both parties to be in a relationship without merit or feeling or value.
Doesn't sound like much, but its been pretty cool week.
This week's goals
12 step program....I've never thought of myself as an addict, dependent or clingy but I am. No, not drugs, but affection and acceptance. Tom, I too "lost" my dad at the age of 10. I'll tell ya about that one later. Anyhow, I think that I was so happy that for once somebody was "dating" me, taking me to public places that did not involve alcohol or drugs. He's pretty good looking too...I never really dated much, and certainly not somebody who was a dreamy. Somebody who didn't have sex with me and still talked to me.
You are so right Bella, looks are not everything. That is so totally not me...my ex-husband was about 5', weighed about 300 lbs, had 0 social skills or couth and no sense of what a bathtub or toothbrush were. I loved him to death though. I guess it feels good to have an arm piece every so often. now I'm done with that.
Now, I feel Rob is like a drug. He made me feel good, I want to continue to feel good like I did a year ago when we met so I keep going back for more, I know he's not good for me, but I can't give him up. I think I need to approach this situation like somebody getting off drugs...the 1st step is admitting the problem.
Thanks again Tom & Bella...Love you guys!!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Talk about mixed signals...
Ok, this is a total shout out! I have no idea how this entry will end up, all I know is that I need to vent now and walk into Starbucks in the next few hours with a clear mind and a pure heart.
So, if any of you have been following my little blog you know that from the beginning this blog was set up because I needed an outlet regarding my struggles. I had another little blog where I posted everything personal and not so personal about my life. My friend who is a teacher at an ultra conservative Christian school had some students who ran across the blog, started posting and boy oh boy did that cause some friction. I guess I should have some restraint and not kiss and tell, especially since this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. Oh, well, seriously doubt that will happen again. At least I really hope not!!
Ok, back to the issue at hand. I met my buddy and he was truely heaven sent. Athletic, smart, funny most importantly SPIRITUAL it didn't hurt that his looks were reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart and he sounds like George Clooney too. After a tumultous "stormy" divorce he was my "calm". I needed the spirituality and positive aura he presented. I needed his calming and controlled nature. When we first started seeing each other I adored every moment. For the 1st time somebody appeared to be concerned about ME, we did a little bible study which I totally loved. We studied because that's what I wanted, not because he ever pushed it on me. Soon, the respect went away, we got into these heavy petting sessions. Nothing bad, things were just not heading in a direction that I wanted to be in spiritually or otherwise. My idea now, is that I should not be away from my kids in activities, amongst undesirable company or in situations that were not productive or healthy.
Here we are, almost a year later. Recently I was told that he was not ready to be involved in my life spiritually. We haven't gone to church together because he doesn't want the pressure of possibly being in a commited relationship from his church family. I can appreciate this. He didn't want to go to church with me because he goes with his children. I can certainly appreciate this also. The last thing you want to do is involve your children in a relationship too soon.
So, if any of you have been following my little blog you know that from the beginning this blog was set up because I needed an outlet regarding my struggles. I had another little blog where I posted everything personal and not so personal about my life. My friend who is a teacher at an ultra conservative Christian school had some students who ran across the blog, started posting and boy oh boy did that cause some friction. I guess I should have some restraint and not kiss and tell, especially since this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. Oh, well, seriously doubt that will happen again. At least I really hope not!!
Ok, back to the issue at hand. I met my buddy and he was truely heaven sent. Athletic, smart, funny most importantly SPIRITUAL it didn't hurt that his looks were reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart and he sounds like George Clooney too. After a tumultous "stormy" divorce he was my "calm". I needed the spirituality and positive aura he presented. I needed his calming and controlled nature. When we first started seeing each other I adored every moment. For the 1st time somebody appeared to be concerned about ME, we did a little bible study which I totally loved. We studied because that's what I wanted, not because he ever pushed it on me. Soon, the respect went away, we got into these heavy petting sessions. Nothing bad, things were just not heading in a direction that I wanted to be in spiritually or otherwise. My idea now, is that I should not be away from my kids in activities, amongst undesirable company or in situations that were not productive or healthy.
Here we are, almost a year later. Recently I was told that he was not ready to be involved in my life spiritually. We haven't gone to church together because he doesn't want the pressure of possibly being in a commited relationship from his church family. I can appreciate this. He didn't want to go to church with me because he goes with his children. I can certainly appreciate this also. The last thing you want to do is involve your children in a relationship too soon.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
It seems you have a pink ink in your think
(This one started as dedication to Tom)
Today, here I sit, 27, divorced, didn't finish college, 3 toddlers. I had a "family" and I put that in quotes because although I was married I might as well have been a single mom. It was all on me. I longed to have part of what I have now...Spiritual Growth...for myself & my children. I am still learning but I am far from where I was when I was married. Somebody commented to me recently that they wished they had what my ex-husband & I had. Yes, we are good friends but that is it. Just as the people in line @ Star Wars.
I can't stress enough to you that it is important be strong in Christ for yourself & your family. I walked into my marriage with no idea of the real world. What I thought was the real world at 22 in little Lafayette, LA pales in comparison to what I face today at 27 in Houston. Perhaps it is the fact that I have grown closer to God, perhaps its the kids, perhaps the fact that my child is autistic, probably a combination of all of it...at any rate, the only way I get through my trials is the power of prayer. I don't do it all by myself and didn't get here all by myself.
Today I was watching a video with the kids, there was a line that caught my attention...
"it seems you have a pink ink in your think"
The song went on to say basically that we have all our hands, toes, etc in tact, if we get our head in the right place then we'll be all right. That's what's been going on with me, my head has been in the wrong place. I needed to focus on what is important. I am young and healthy, my children are beautiful and talented, I am a Christian, I have a wonderful family. What do I have to complain about? Yeah, I'm not happy about where I live. My job is...well, ok...but at least I have one. But I have been blessed once again with another sunrise. Sure, I struggle terribly with the Robert situation. But that is one that God is working in both of our lives. Besides my ex-husband, he is probably the only person I've had any kind of relationship with. He doesn't come in riding on a white horse ready to sweep me away to a beautiful castle. He doesn't shower me with gifts, roses, money or compliments. He doesn't promise me the moon and the stars, but I am thankful for him. He is so honest and patient with my situation and with my hang-ups. Yes, at times we stray from what we both know is appropriate behavior. Yes, I am so desperately wanting to rebuild my life and have a family once again. As the saying goes, God gives us what we need and not what we want. I want to be married, but I am thankful that I am not. I have been given the opportunity to mature spiritually and socially. I used to settle for what came my way. Now I know I have a voice and I will be heard. Now I'm trying to learn to shut up.
I am so thankful for what I have today because I struggled in the past. There was a time shortly before I found out that I was expecting my first child that I was told I would not have children at all. Here I sit, with 3 beautiful babies. what an honor it is to hear the word MAMA. (yeah, it's a little annoying at times too, but I love 'em).
Aah, the power of animated films and Psalms!
Today, here I sit, 27, divorced, didn't finish college, 3 toddlers. I had a "family" and I put that in quotes because although I was married I might as well have been a single mom. It was all on me. I longed to have part of what I have now...Spiritual Growth...for myself & my children. I am still learning but I am far from where I was when I was married. Somebody commented to me recently that they wished they had what my ex-husband & I had. Yes, we are good friends but that is it. Just as the people in line @ Star Wars.
I can't stress enough to you that it is important be strong in Christ for yourself & your family. I walked into my marriage with no idea of the real world. What I thought was the real world at 22 in little Lafayette, LA pales in comparison to what I face today at 27 in Houston. Perhaps it is the fact that I have grown closer to God, perhaps its the kids, perhaps the fact that my child is autistic, probably a combination of all of it...at any rate, the only way I get through my trials is the power of prayer. I don't do it all by myself and didn't get here all by myself.
Today I was watching a video with the kids, there was a line that caught my attention...
"it seems you have a pink ink in your think"
The song went on to say basically that we have all our hands, toes, etc in tact, if we get our head in the right place then we'll be all right. That's what's been going on with me, my head has been in the wrong place. I needed to focus on what is important. I am young and healthy, my children are beautiful and talented, I am a Christian, I have a wonderful family. What do I have to complain about? Yeah, I'm not happy about where I live. My job is...well, ok...but at least I have one. But I have been blessed once again with another sunrise. Sure, I struggle terribly with the Robert situation. But that is one that God is working in both of our lives. Besides my ex-husband, he is probably the only person I've had any kind of relationship with. He doesn't come in riding on a white horse ready to sweep me away to a beautiful castle. He doesn't shower me with gifts, roses, money or compliments. He doesn't promise me the moon and the stars, but I am thankful for him. He is so honest and patient with my situation and with my hang-ups. Yes, at times we stray from what we both know is appropriate behavior. Yes, I am so desperately wanting to rebuild my life and have a family once again. As the saying goes, God gives us what we need and not what we want. I want to be married, but I am thankful that I am not. I have been given the opportunity to mature spiritually and socially. I used to settle for what came my way. Now I know I have a voice and I will be heard. Now I'm trying to learn to shut up.
I am so thankful for what I have today because I struggled in the past. There was a time shortly before I found out that I was expecting my first child that I was told I would not have children at all. Here I sit, with 3 beautiful babies. what an honor it is to hear the word MAMA. (yeah, it's a little annoying at times too, but I love 'em).
Aah, the power of animated films and Psalms!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Rubble
"The choice is yours -- either stay buried in the rubble of past hurt, rejection, and doubt or let it go and give the actual experiences of your life a chance to build a new idea of what can be."
I read that from some site while I was surfing today. Totally moved me to write today.
Slowly but surely, the Lord is opening my eyes. Another blogger mentioned bondage in their life and it reminded me of a book I read a while back, or I should say, started reading, (I never finished it) entitled He Came to Set the Captives Free by Dr. Rebecca Brown. It spoke of bondage and spiritual warfare. I think that is what I may be going through. In my head I know what is right but I am having difficulty having my heart follow through & believe it. Aparently I have some bondage to some material or emotional issue that I thought I had let go but I can't.
The spiritual warfare thing, its like I can almost feel a force pulling me back. Just before I go to sleep on Saturday I start thinking about what I need to do in the am to prepare for church. Then, Sunday morning, Spencer will get sick, Mila will get sick in the car, the weather will be really bad, something will hold me back from service. Sounds strange, but this is the 1st time in my life that I have on my own accord desired to get closer to the Lord, maybe I'm seeing things differently.
Back to the aforementioned quote...
One thing I struggle with is trust. I feel I can't trust some family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Relationships in general are a difficult thing for everybody. Yes, people have hurt me terribly in the past and I can carry each memory with me bitterly or I can let it go and live today.
I think that I have done a good job of it despite my situation. I have come to terms regarding Trey's Autism by embracing the condition and fighting back with knowledge and education of what is to come. My living arangements could be better, I could have better money and my kids could have their father in their lives. Education and prayer are all I have and nobody can take that away from me. Like I said, despite the baggage I carry, I have done a pretty good job of carrying on. Life has given me TONS of lemons, I don't have lemonade yet, but i'm getting there.
I read that from some site while I was surfing today. Totally moved me to write today.
Slowly but surely, the Lord is opening my eyes. Another blogger mentioned bondage in their life and it reminded me of a book I read a while back, or I should say, started reading, (I never finished it) entitled He Came to Set the Captives Free by Dr. Rebecca Brown. It spoke of bondage and spiritual warfare. I think that is what I may be going through. In my head I know what is right but I am having difficulty having my heart follow through & believe it. Aparently I have some bondage to some material or emotional issue that I thought I had let go but I can't.
The spiritual warfare thing, its like I can almost feel a force pulling me back. Just before I go to sleep on Saturday I start thinking about what I need to do in the am to prepare for church. Then, Sunday morning, Spencer will get sick, Mila will get sick in the car, the weather will be really bad, something will hold me back from service. Sounds strange, but this is the 1st time in my life that I have on my own accord desired to get closer to the Lord, maybe I'm seeing things differently.
Back to the aforementioned quote...
One thing I struggle with is trust. I feel I can't trust some family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Relationships in general are a difficult thing for everybody. Yes, people have hurt me terribly in the past and I can carry each memory with me bitterly or I can let it go and live today.
I think that I have done a good job of it despite my situation. I have come to terms regarding Trey's Autism by embracing the condition and fighting back with knowledge and education of what is to come. My living arangements could be better, I could have better money and my kids could have their father in their lives. Education and prayer are all I have and nobody can take that away from me. Like I said, despite the baggage I carry, I have done a pretty good job of carrying on. Life has given me TONS of lemons, I don't have lemonade yet, but i'm getting there.
Can't Sleep total ramble
Ok, it's 2:57 am and I can't sleep....I have journaled like crazy these past few days not just on my blog but in my personal journal....something is bugging me and I can't quite pin point it.
This is going to be totally incoherent as I am half asleep at the moment.
I want to sleep so badly but I cant. I've been feeling a heavy pain in my chest, physically as if somebody were pushing me down. I would say I was overwhelmed but I don't think I am. a few things are bothering me right now, but "no big".
Finally after a week I talk to Robert. He's back from the school's Spiritual Emphasis Retreat. Now he's all pius. I vent to him about the silly things that are bothering me he responds that I need to read a few Psalms. NOW he wants to add that "spirituality" back into our relationship. Instead of making me feel good he made me feel even worse.
I haven't been able to sleep all night because of how bad I have felt. All the feelings I had placed in God's hands all the difficulties I released to him have resurfaced in a MAJOR way. Detailed thoughts that have not crossed my mind in almost 10 years flooded my brain in the past 6 hours. I am surrounded by a ton of little demons and they are working away at me.
Let me rewind a little bit to earlier this evening...On my way to the gas station I ran my car out of gas, yeah, irresponsible but a big part of that was no $$. I had to call my sis to help. She came out. I left, I didn't think to stay and wait for her to get back in the car. It was a busy street...bad sis...I feel bad for that. I was just glad that I was rescued. Went to the gas station to pump some more gas, started talking to some guy at the pump. Probably not a good idea. Even dumber, I gave him my business card with my phone number & email address. As I gave it to him he was like "Woah, Belly Dancing", I tell him that's my side job. He responds, "oh yeah". I should be used to responses like that after dancing for so many years, but it still bugs me. I suppose it depends on the context and source. I felt totally dirty. He was putting beer in a cooler in his truck. What WAS I THINKING?? I don't drink and smoke & I made a serious effort to remove myself from those who do yet here I am giving my number to some guy who just bought 2 6 packs of longnecks...I don't even know why I would have given him my number. I'm not even looking, he's physically not my type, I really don't know what came over me...
spencer is running a fever of 101 and has been for a few days. My mom continues to override my decisions about my children. Yes, she watches them for free, but the cost of frustration that she causes me is much more than I need...i told her not to send him to school one day this week but she did anyhow. she decided to keep him from school but didn't bother to tell me. i can't win.
speaking of frustration, she decided to cut trey's hair. She did it herself and its not a full haircut, just cut his bangs and other portions becuase she thought it just didn't look right...oh yeah, she didn't ask me, and it looks worse than it did before.
I'm telling Rob all this stuff and he tells me that I need to read psalms...instead of making me happy he made me feel bad stupid & dirty. He treats me like a toy. let's play this way today tomorrow we'll play another way. today let me be teh spiritual guru, tomorrow, lets blurr the line of what is morally acceptable on a date in my room. Why is it ok to do this. i feel bad because i allow this to happen, I am an adult and I can say no to whatever makes me uncomfortable. i feel stupid because he treats me like a little toy, his arm piece. the dirty part...i feel like i am doing something that would drive somebody with high moral standards to do something bad, against what they believe. i feel dirty becuse at the conclusion of our heavy petting session i get a "ok, i guess you gotta go, good night". i thought that after college years that i would have graduated from this type of non-chalant behavior...perhaps once a frat boy always a frat boy.
i am an open book with him, i tell him everything that happens in my world, yet I had to discover that he has MD through a blog which he published. there are 40 types of MD, to date I still don't know what type he has, he won't tell me.
very obvious, i need to sever these ties. he's not all bad or else i wouldn't totally adore him. i'm confused and unexperienced in the world of dating. he just hurts me. obvious by the amount of space which is occupied on this blog by my struggle in letting him go.
now its 3:37am...i think i may be able to sleep now.
This is going to be totally incoherent as I am half asleep at the moment.
I want to sleep so badly but I cant. I've been feeling a heavy pain in my chest, physically as if somebody were pushing me down. I would say I was overwhelmed but I don't think I am. a few things are bothering me right now, but "no big".
Finally after a week I talk to Robert. He's back from the school's Spiritual Emphasis Retreat. Now he's all pius. I vent to him about the silly things that are bothering me he responds that I need to read a few Psalms. NOW he wants to add that "spirituality" back into our relationship. Instead of making me feel good he made me feel even worse.
I haven't been able to sleep all night because of how bad I have felt. All the feelings I had placed in God's hands all the difficulties I released to him have resurfaced in a MAJOR way. Detailed thoughts that have not crossed my mind in almost 10 years flooded my brain in the past 6 hours. I am surrounded by a ton of little demons and they are working away at me.
Let me rewind a little bit to earlier this evening...On my way to the gas station I ran my car out of gas, yeah, irresponsible but a big part of that was no $$. I had to call my sis to help. She came out. I left, I didn't think to stay and wait for her to get back in the car. It was a busy street...bad sis...I feel bad for that. I was just glad that I was rescued. Went to the gas station to pump some more gas, started talking to some guy at the pump. Probably not a good idea. Even dumber, I gave him my business card with my phone number & email address. As I gave it to him he was like "Woah, Belly Dancing", I tell him that's my side job. He responds, "oh yeah". I should be used to responses like that after dancing for so many years, but it still bugs me. I suppose it depends on the context and source. I felt totally dirty. He was putting beer in a cooler in his truck. What WAS I THINKING?? I don't drink and smoke & I made a serious effort to remove myself from those who do yet here I am giving my number to some guy who just bought 2 6 packs of longnecks...I don't even know why I would have given him my number. I'm not even looking, he's physically not my type, I really don't know what came over me...
spencer is running a fever of 101 and has been for a few days. My mom continues to override my decisions about my children. Yes, she watches them for free, but the cost of frustration that she causes me is much more than I need...i told her not to send him to school one day this week but she did anyhow. she decided to keep him from school but didn't bother to tell me. i can't win.
speaking of frustration, she decided to cut trey's hair. She did it herself and its not a full haircut, just cut his bangs and other portions becuase she thought it just didn't look right...oh yeah, she didn't ask me, and it looks worse than it did before.
I'm telling Rob all this stuff and he tells me that I need to read psalms...instead of making me happy he made me feel bad stupid & dirty. He treats me like a toy. let's play this way today tomorrow we'll play another way. today let me be teh spiritual guru, tomorrow, lets blurr the line of what is morally acceptable on a date in my room. Why is it ok to do this. i feel bad because i allow this to happen, I am an adult and I can say no to whatever makes me uncomfortable. i feel stupid because he treats me like a little toy, his arm piece. the dirty part...i feel like i am doing something that would drive somebody with high moral standards to do something bad, against what they believe. i feel dirty becuse at the conclusion of our heavy petting session i get a "ok, i guess you gotta go, good night". i thought that after college years that i would have graduated from this type of non-chalant behavior...perhaps once a frat boy always a frat boy.
i am an open book with him, i tell him everything that happens in my world, yet I had to discover that he has MD through a blog which he published. there are 40 types of MD, to date I still don't know what type he has, he won't tell me.
very obvious, i need to sever these ties. he's not all bad or else i wouldn't totally adore him. i'm confused and unexperienced in the world of dating. he just hurts me. obvious by the amount of space which is occupied on this blog by my struggle in letting him go.
now its 3:37am...i think i may be able to sleep now.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
TO TOM ..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I hear what you are screaming.
One of my favorite mottos..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I went through a similar struggle when I became a mother. It started even before my son was born. I went from being the life of the party to the one who kicked everybody out at 10 so I could get to sleep. Slowly, my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. Once Trey was born I had to ask myself the same questions, is this a good influence in my son's life? How is this decision going to affect my son?
I am now divorced and although I know it is not the right thing according to biblical study, God's plan was, as it always is, PERFECT. I can relate to the best friend issue. My ex-husband who was my best friend didn't support my search for spiritual growth. He didn't put me down, but he knew how much I wanted to become closer to God, especially as a family. I can count on my right hand how many times we attend church on a non-holiday occassion in the 3 1/2 years of marriage. Of those times he didn't even sit inside during the whole service. Involved in the church...yeah right...Yep, this was my best friend. He and I remain great friends, but our values are different. I now see why it is important to be involved with somebody who has the same values and beliefs as yourself. We both grew up in very religous families but how we carried on beyond Sunday was like night & day. It wasn't until recently that I have been able to explore and grow in my spirituality. Just as I did as a new mother, when I became a Christian I had to re-evaluate EVERY aspect of my life. perhaps you can parrallel christianity with parenthood. CHildren often question things and it makes you think and re-evaluate every action because your baby is watching your every move. Think aobut it...God knows and is watching our every move. I have to answer my kids' every question, sooner or later we must answer to God.
As a Christian, single mother you can imagine what kind of a social life I have...none practically. You can imagine the amount of relationships I'm involved in, once again, practically none, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
My final thought...Thank you Tom for posting this. You have read that I have been struggling with some issues, particularly around a relationship. I needed to hear (or shall I say read) this.
One of my favorite mottos..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I went through a similar struggle when I became a mother. It started even before my son was born. I went from being the life of the party to the one who kicked everybody out at 10 so I could get to sleep. Slowly, my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. Once Trey was born I had to ask myself the same questions, is this a good influence in my son's life? How is this decision going to affect my son?
I am now divorced and although I know it is not the right thing according to biblical study, God's plan was, as it always is, PERFECT. I can relate to the best friend issue. My ex-husband who was my best friend didn't support my search for spiritual growth. He didn't put me down, but he knew how much I wanted to become closer to God, especially as a family. I can count on my right hand how many times we attend church on a non-holiday occassion in the 3 1/2 years of marriage. Of those times he didn't even sit inside during the whole service. Involved in the church...yeah right...Yep, this was my best friend. He and I remain great friends, but our values are different. I now see why it is important to be involved with somebody who has the same values and beliefs as yourself. We both grew up in very religous families but how we carried on beyond Sunday was like night & day. It wasn't until recently that I have been able to explore and grow in my spirituality. Just as I did as a new mother, when I became a Christian I had to re-evaluate EVERY aspect of my life. perhaps you can parrallel christianity with parenthood. CHildren often question things and it makes you think and re-evaluate every action because your baby is watching your every move. Think aobut it...God knows and is watching our every move. I have to answer my kids' every question, sooner or later we must answer to God.
As a Christian, single mother you can imagine what kind of a social life I have...none practically. You can imagine the amount of relationships I'm involved in, once again, practically none, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
My final thought...Thank you Tom for posting this. You have read that I have been struggling with some issues, particularly around a relationship. I needed to hear (or shall I say read) this.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Turismo
Como cada mujer es un mundo aparte, a mi me encanta hacer turismo...
Translation....Since every woman is like a different world, I enjoy tourism...sorry, bad translation, but I think you get the gist.
Is this true. From the woman's eyes looking into a man's world, if this is true then I'm doomed to being single forever. Perhaps not doomed if that is in fact the mentality, but certainly not content if that is what is left out there.
Judging from this blog you would think I'm boy crazy and with little depth or dimension. Lately, I guess you can say I went through an emotional earthquake; the world that was under my feet has been shifted, the mountains and boulders that surround me have shattered and the heavens are cloudy and I can't seem to focus on the future.
Yeah, it takes me a while to shake things like this off.
I guess that its a little different this time...we somewhat had that spiritual thing going. Our second or third "official" date he gave me a bible. Not in a pushy way, more because I was so inquisitive. He has been wonderful in letting me explore and make my own decisions about spirituality, church and the such, but he was also my "teacher" for a while. We would study the Word together occassionally, which was more than any flowers or gifts I have ever received. Flowers wilt and gifts can be broken, but the gift of the Word is something that I can never exchange and I am forever grateful for this. What hurts most is how I am left now...he won't continue studying with me because he said that he isn't ready for that in our relationship. However, he is quite disrepectful towards me. Not anything noteworthy, just going against what he says he believes and certainly what I believe. This is where the cloudiness comes in...I can't distinguish between that line of what is acceptable and what is not.
Luckily, we never did the "family thing", my kids met him a few times, I never met his.
I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. OUr meeting was certainly not by chance. The reason we met is very clear in my life. My purpose to him...don't know yet. What I see as my purpose to him, not good...perhaps there's more to it. At any rate, Pray that I can accept the Lord's will. I don't understand why the Lord would want me to linger and pine over something that does not appear healthy. Perhaps in time this will all be revealved to me.
Translation....Since every woman is like a different world, I enjoy tourism...sorry, bad translation, but I think you get the gist.
Is this true. From the woman's eyes looking into a man's world, if this is true then I'm doomed to being single forever. Perhaps not doomed if that is in fact the mentality, but certainly not content if that is what is left out there.
Judging from this blog you would think I'm boy crazy and with little depth or dimension. Lately, I guess you can say I went through an emotional earthquake; the world that was under my feet has been shifted, the mountains and boulders that surround me have shattered and the heavens are cloudy and I can't seem to focus on the future.
Yeah, it takes me a while to shake things like this off.
I guess that its a little different this time...we somewhat had that spiritual thing going. Our second or third "official" date he gave me a bible. Not in a pushy way, more because I was so inquisitive. He has been wonderful in letting me explore and make my own decisions about spirituality, church and the such, but he was also my "teacher" for a while. We would study the Word together occassionally, which was more than any flowers or gifts I have ever received. Flowers wilt and gifts can be broken, but the gift of the Word is something that I can never exchange and I am forever grateful for this. What hurts most is how I am left now...he won't continue studying with me because he said that he isn't ready for that in our relationship. However, he is quite disrepectful towards me. Not anything noteworthy, just going against what he says he believes and certainly what I believe. This is where the cloudiness comes in...I can't distinguish between that line of what is acceptable and what is not.
Luckily, we never did the "family thing", my kids met him a few times, I never met his.
I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. OUr meeting was certainly not by chance. The reason we met is very clear in my life. My purpose to him...don't know yet. What I see as my purpose to him, not good...perhaps there's more to it. At any rate, Pray that I can accept the Lord's will. I don't understand why the Lord would want me to linger and pine over something that does not appear healthy. Perhaps in time this will all be revealved to me.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
What's my purpose?
So everyday I wake up, get the kiddies ready, rush to drop them off at grandma's, hustle on the beltway to work. I get there...now what. I know there are so many plusses to my position, many chances for advancement (potentially), but I feel my brain cells slowly going away. Just look at the way I now write ("my brain cells slowly going away"- what kind of grammar is that?). Had you seen my previous post you would know what I mean. GOD WHY DID YOU PUT ME THERE?
Let me quote a cool movie - Dogma - When you are young the glass is always full, as you get older the glass gets bigger to fill-
That's what I have been feeling lately. Lately as in the past 5 months.
Where am I 5 months later....
Let me quote a cool movie - Dogma - When you are young the glass is always full, as you get older the glass gets bigger to fill-
That's what I have been feeling lately. Lately as in the past 5 months.
- I quit my last job because I saw myself stressed out, not enjoying my life past 5:30 pm and taking out frustrations on my poor little angels. I need to FILL THE professional GLASS.
- I confronted my (in)significant other about my status in our 6 month relationship (yeah, it took him 4 months just to come out and admit that we were "dating"), I needed to FILL THE relationship GLASS.
- I started to research bible churches in the area and I found one, I've been attending since the end of January, I REALLY need to FILL the spiritual GLASS.
- I realize that I need to do something about my children's future and present. Ok, that's a bit of a challenge, and I'm still working on that one. I need to FILL the motherhood GLASS.
Where am I 5 months later....
- Found a job, still trying to figure this place out. I've never been so micro-managed. I have so much potential that has not even scratched the surface. Yet I stay there for the insurance for Trey. There is potential for personal growth, perhaps even professional growth, but Trey needs insurance.
- Still hanging on to a relationship that will never flourish. Hanging on to someone who pushes me away and unknowingly causes me much pain. Not healthy in any fashion. I think its only on this blog that I've ever admitted that I love this person. The reason I call him "my (in)significant other". In my heart I love and amire him (that's why he is "significant"). In my head I know what is right for my family and I spiritually, emotionally, etc. ["(in) significant" is me trying to convince myself that I won't answer another call or see him again and that it won't matter if he falls off the face of the earth]. I've been advised just use him for the dinner and a good time...that's not me and he means much more than a good time. I have ineffable gratitude towards him for the gift of showing me the Word. I can post this here because I know that he will never read this, even if I tell him to. If ever in the future he does, Robert, do you understand me now?
- Still trying to find a church home.
- Still trying to figure out the basics of raising 3 kids on my own. THis stress goes back to issue #2. I grew up in a home with 2 loving parents who would give me the moon & stars to make me smile. I feel so bad for my kids. Its not their fault that their dad & I made the choices we did. Its not my fault about the involvement their dad has. I feel it is my responsibility is to provide them with a normal home. What kind of a home is it without a dad? They are little but they understand. Even my 6 yr old nephew asks me when their dad is comming back with tears in his little eyes. Now just wait until I have to have the same conversation with my own kids. IN my bible studies I've read that kids need a stable home. What kind of a mother am I? The only thing I can thnk of doing is loving them the best way I know how to. I try my best to divide myself between the many hats I have to wear, it leaves little time to be the fun loving mom I want to be and that they need.
I think writing this blog has cleared many things for me, at least for the time being. I think I need to focus more on the little ones and forget all else. Most importantly, I need to leave it in God's hands.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Not Coming Home
by Maroon 5
Ok, so I'm on a Maroon 5 kick tonight. The concert was pretty darn awesome, listening to these songs live amongst 69,000 people was pretty cool. The songs take on a new meaning when 68,999 people are singing along with you. Once again for my "Prince Charming" who recently has become a toad...
When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
You do not know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But I have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
Once again....can I follow through? - Mere-
Ok, so I'm on a Maroon 5 kick tonight. The concert was pretty darn awesome, listening to these songs live amongst 69,000 people was pretty cool. The songs take on a new meaning when 68,999 people are singing along with you. Once again for my "Prince Charming" who recently has become a toad...
When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
You do not know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But I have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
Once again....can I follow through? - Mere-
Through With You
by Maroon 5
I know the person that this is intended for is not reading this! Too bad, he needs to. Perhaps seeing it in black & white will have some impact.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not hwo things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache Heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you.
-end-
Will I really make the call, probably not, but I should....Mere....
I know the person that this is intended for is not reading this! Too bad, he needs to. Perhaps seeing it in black & white will have some impact.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not hwo things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache Heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you.
-end-
Will I really make the call, probably not, but I should....Mere....
How Do You Do It?
People often ask me "how do you do it?" with the kids, being single, juggle a full-time career, part-time business and somewhat of a social life, and manage to not have any grey hair...My answer used to be "I just do". Since this summer when I was introduced to the Word and really began exploring the bible my answer has changed to FAITH.
I have tons of wisdom in areas other than Christ & religion & politics. Ironic that i have a very limited knowledge of politics considering I am considered a "government employee". I have been having some issues with my Faith lately and as I said, it has been nice to hear refreshing & unbiased opinions. I say that because my friend who introduced me the Word said that it is better at this point not want to get involved with me on a spiritual level. That spoke volumes of his character and my position in his life needless to say. Why did he introduce me to the Word? Perhaps his civic duty? I've tried to analyze but I realize it doesn't matter, at this point to me that's the most beautiful gift anybody has ever given me. Although things obviously are not going to progress into anything more, I am thankful to have a wonderful person such as him in my life. Unknowingly he has changed my life and taught me more in 10 months about myself and my life than I have ever learned even through a 4 yr marriage, college and the birth of 3 children.
The whole relationship/spiritual teacher thing has been eating away at me and it helps to vent to a fresh pair of ears (or should I say eyes) to hear (read) this. Since January after much research, I started going to a Bible church and feel a little out of place there. Everybody is married and have on the average 3 - 4 kids. If they don't have kids they are newly weds or they are really old. Really nice church but I'm just the sore thumb. I don't know who to go to with my questions and having grown up all my life in a Catholic Church this is somewhat of a culture shock. Not a bad thing, just a matter of getting re programed - a good thing nonetheless. My mom thinks that I go to a cult church or something because it is not Catholic. I have 2 much older sisters. My oldest goes to church to see & be seen. She is the classic "Sunday Catholic" if ever there was one. So involved with everything that she isn't involved with what is important, her family. My other sister is a church hopper, strong in Faith and very intelligent but sometimes those intelligent types are a struggle to converse with.
What I need to do is truely live faithfully. Put the faith that I have in my head and put it in my heart and let it guide me or shall I say, let Him guide me. Easier said than done.
Accepting Christ was so easy. Yes, I want to go to heaven. Yes, I want to be Saved and forgiven. When I was first studying there was such a clarity and a peace in my heart about everything. Now what? Why am I so clouded and confused? Do all Christians feel this way??
That's all I have to say about that....
I have tons of wisdom in areas other than Christ & religion & politics. Ironic that i have a very limited knowledge of politics considering I am considered a "government employee". I have been having some issues with my Faith lately and as I said, it has been nice to hear refreshing & unbiased opinions. I say that because my friend who introduced me the Word said that it is better at this point not want to get involved with me on a spiritual level. That spoke volumes of his character and my position in his life needless to say. Why did he introduce me to the Word? Perhaps his civic duty? I've tried to analyze but I realize it doesn't matter, at this point to me that's the most beautiful gift anybody has ever given me. Although things obviously are not going to progress into anything more, I am thankful to have a wonderful person such as him in my life. Unknowingly he has changed my life and taught me more in 10 months about myself and my life than I have ever learned even through a 4 yr marriage, college and the birth of 3 children.
The whole relationship/spiritual teacher thing has been eating away at me and it helps to vent to a fresh pair of ears (or should I say eyes) to hear (read) this. Since January after much research, I started going to a Bible church and feel a little out of place there. Everybody is married and have on the average 3 - 4 kids. If they don't have kids they are newly weds or they are really old. Really nice church but I'm just the sore thumb. I don't know who to go to with my questions and having grown up all my life in a Catholic Church this is somewhat of a culture shock. Not a bad thing, just a matter of getting re programed - a good thing nonetheless. My mom thinks that I go to a cult church or something because it is not Catholic. I have 2 much older sisters. My oldest goes to church to see & be seen. She is the classic "Sunday Catholic" if ever there was one. So involved with everything that she isn't involved with what is important, her family. My other sister is a church hopper, strong in Faith and very intelligent but sometimes those intelligent types are a struggle to converse with.
What I need to do is truely live faithfully. Put the faith that I have in my head and put it in my heart and let it guide me or shall I say, let Him guide me. Easier said than done.
Accepting Christ was so easy. Yes, I want to go to heaven. Yes, I want to be Saved and forgiven. When I was first studying there was such a clarity and a peace in my heart about everything. Now what? Why am I so clouded and confused? Do all Christians feel this way??
That's all I have to say about that....
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