Clinton: Government 'failed' people
Monday, September 5, 2005; Posted: 9:49 p.m. EDT (01:49 GMT)
Former President Bill Clinton spoke to CNN on Monday.
Former President Clinton cites initial failure (2:32)
Former presidents create Katrina fund (6:53)
RELATED
• Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund
HOUSTON, Texas (CNN) -- Former President Bill Clinton on Monday said the government "failed" the thousands of people who lived in coastal communities devastated by Hurricane Katrina, and said a federal investigation was warranted in due time.
"Our government failed those people in the beginning, and I take it now there is no dispute about it," Clinton told CNN. "One hundred percent of the people recognize that -- that it was a failure." (See interview -- 2:32 )
He and former President George H. W. Bush have launched the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund to help raise money for those left homeless by the storm. (Full story)
Clinton is just the latest in a long line of critics who have blasted the federal government for not moving fast enough to help people in the immediate aftermath of Katrina, which slammed into the Gulf Coast one week ago as a Category 4 hurricane.
He said that the utmost priority was saving people now -- and evaluating the mistakes in the months to come.
"We've got the departments on the ground, we've got the military on the ground, we've got a chance to do it right now, and we should do it right," he said. "And then in an appropriate time we should analyze what went wrong and why and what changes should be made."
As with the 9/11 commission charged with looking at the events leading up to and after the September 11, 2001 attacks, Clinton suggested a bipartisan Katrina commission be formed. It would investigate what went wrong and determine "what is the best structure and what are the best personnel decisions" to make in emergency management, he said.
The elder Bush echoed Clinton's sentiment, telling CNN's Larry King that he is "not satisfied" with the handling of the hurricane's aftermath.
Nonetheless, he defended his son's performance.
"What can he do? He can just go out and do what he's doing today, showing that the federal government's involved, has been involved, will continue to be involved ... He cannot listen to every critic from the editorial page of The New York Times," the elder Bush said.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Analogy
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would! be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things." The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!" "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside." "Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What happen! s, is, people do not come to me." "Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
Try Try Again...
So that seems to be a recurrent theme in my life....many ways and many times, God has been telling me try harder and try again. Finally, he bluntly put the message forth to me in exactly those words. Just when we think we are doing all that we can or that we are putting forth the best effort, I am reminded...no I'm not!
Trey went to the hospital again for dehydration. I've lost count how many times Trey and I have sat in the emergency room of Cypress-Fairbanks hospital for this issue, just to be patched up and sent back home. This time, the poor baby had a cathater....ouch.... I see this as God's message...try harder to be a better, more persistent mom. Thank goodness for this message. I rolled into the dr's office 1/2 asleep, just getting about 3 hours of sleep. I couldn't even tell you what I told the Dr. that day other than I was at the hospital w/Trey last night. I walked out with more hope this visit. He made a referral for another Neurology visit, a possible psychiatric visit and a session w/a dietician. Finally, somebody is going to listen to me about Trey.
I got hit over the head with trying harder as an individual with my life...my sis had a harsh talk with me about how sloppy my entire life is. Thank goodness...I've got a job with State Farm now. I really need to preserve it considering there are 1/4 million people living in the Astrodome who could take a test just like I did and take my job.
I really need to evaluate where I'm at. As a Christian, I've been told that I'm not doing enough. This is one area, that I know i am working on and I don't know what people expect because I'm just a baby in this area. You have to scoot before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before you run. i'm barely sitting up enough to scoot. I may not be able to be quote scripture or explicate books in the bible, but I know that my heart is in it and that I know where I want to go. It was once posted that I should just let myself be guided by teh Lord, and I will never be left floundering. Those words have resonated in my mind. I don't feel bad that I can't go out into the community and witness to others, but what better witness than my life, my own trials.
I've been told that if I would just listen to others that my life would be so much simpler...but I can say, I'm in shoes that not many people walk. People always say they "know" or they "understand" but they really don't. Who do you trust, who do you listen to? Ok, yeah, the obvious...listen to God...but when do you know that God is speaking to you?
Trey went to the hospital again for dehydration. I've lost count how many times Trey and I have sat in the emergency room of Cypress-Fairbanks hospital for this issue, just to be patched up and sent back home. This time, the poor baby had a cathater....ouch.... I see this as God's message...try harder to be a better, more persistent mom. Thank goodness for this message. I rolled into the dr's office 1/2 asleep, just getting about 3 hours of sleep. I couldn't even tell you what I told the Dr. that day other than I was at the hospital w/Trey last night. I walked out with more hope this visit. He made a referral for another Neurology visit, a possible psychiatric visit and a session w/a dietician. Finally, somebody is going to listen to me about Trey.
I got hit over the head with trying harder as an individual with my life...my sis had a harsh talk with me about how sloppy my entire life is. Thank goodness...I've got a job with State Farm now. I really need to preserve it considering there are 1/4 million people living in the Astrodome who could take a test just like I did and take my job.
I really need to evaluate where I'm at. As a Christian, I've been told that I'm not doing enough. This is one area, that I know i am working on and I don't know what people expect because I'm just a baby in this area. You have to scoot before you crawl, crawl before you walk, walk before you run. i'm barely sitting up enough to scoot. I may not be able to be quote scripture or explicate books in the bible, but I know that my heart is in it and that I know where I want to go. It was once posted that I should just let myself be guided by teh Lord, and I will never be left floundering. Those words have resonated in my mind. I don't feel bad that I can't go out into the community and witness to others, but what better witness than my life, my own trials.
I've been told that if I would just listen to others that my life would be so much simpler...but I can say, I'm in shoes that not many people walk. People always say they "know" or they "understand" but they really don't. Who do you trust, who do you listen to? Ok, yeah, the obvious...listen to God...but when do you know that God is speaking to you?
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
one friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will makeher guests feel honored..
a feeling of control overher destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...HOW TO QUIT A JOB,BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...whom she can trust,whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in thewoods...when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...
one friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will makeher guests feel honored..
a feeling of control overher destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...HOW TO QUIT A JOB,BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...whom she can trust,whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in thewoods...when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...
Thursday, August 25, 2005
...hmm...
Random Thoughts....free verse so it won't make any sense, just me talking and getting all off my chest.
So work is good. Gotta love it...get pd for over 8 hours and work under 8 hours, work is easy...gotta love it. Work is bad, I'm kind of bored, kind of scared. Divorce does a number on you & your credit. But a good opportunity to grow so we gotta focus on the light. Yeah, Divorce does a number on you, on your soul, on your credit, on your heart, on your spirit. Just when I think I'm up and going, I'm crushed back down. WHy, its all back to the divorce. Took Joshie to the soccer field and saw all the moms lounging in their soccer mom lawn chairs. I arrive, rushing and hair all crazy falling out of a bun, sweating in my hosery and heels from work. Spence would love to be out here too, but I can't do it by myself. There's a dad at the soccer field playing with his little boys. The boys listen to dad when its time to go, they're balanced and happy. My kids don't listen to me or let me sleep. ONce again, divorce crushing my spirit. I'm happy, god works his will in our lives and it is the best plan, even if we don't understand-it is perfect. I'm happy to be single again, just sucks to be so lonely. Sucks not to trust people. People really suck. I want to trust and feel at ease but I know I can't. This is god's plan for me. One day I'll understand. I wnat to smile again and really be happy. If the dad doesn't even want to participate in the little ones' lives then who else will even care. I care but I'm tired. I'm exhausted its too much for me. That saying being alone amongst people is so true. Nobody cares and life goes on. Life goes on.
So work is good. Gotta love it...get pd for over 8 hours and work under 8 hours, work is easy...gotta love it. Work is bad, I'm kind of bored, kind of scared. Divorce does a number on you & your credit. But a good opportunity to grow so we gotta focus on the light. Yeah, Divorce does a number on you, on your soul, on your credit, on your heart, on your spirit. Just when I think I'm up and going, I'm crushed back down. WHy, its all back to the divorce. Took Joshie to the soccer field and saw all the moms lounging in their soccer mom lawn chairs. I arrive, rushing and hair all crazy falling out of a bun, sweating in my hosery and heels from work. Spence would love to be out here too, but I can't do it by myself. There's a dad at the soccer field playing with his little boys. The boys listen to dad when its time to go, they're balanced and happy. My kids don't listen to me or let me sleep. ONce again, divorce crushing my spirit. I'm happy, god works his will in our lives and it is the best plan, even if we don't understand-it is perfect. I'm happy to be single again, just sucks to be so lonely. Sucks not to trust people. People really suck. I want to trust and feel at ease but I know I can't. This is god's plan for me. One day I'll understand. I wnat to smile again and really be happy. If the dad doesn't even want to participate in the little ones' lives then who else will even care. I care but I'm tired. I'm exhausted its too much for me. That saying being alone amongst people is so true. Nobody cares and life goes on. Life goes on.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Insomnia Wins Again!
Its 4:02 am in Houston, TX....Insomnia wins again. I can't sleep, Trey has to be on the school bus in about 3 1/2 hours and I have to go to work later in the day. I'm a little anxious for the boys starting school tomorrow. I didn't have enough $$ to finish their back to school shopping. Once again, I will be reminded of how poor of a job I am doing by raising the kids on my own, juggling a career and home life all by myself.
I will now try sleeping...
I will now try sleeping...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Just what I needed to hear...
A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coiffed and shaved perfectly applied, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already have decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wakeup. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty Ihave with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and bethankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the newday and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be, to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Pass this message to 7 people, EXCEPT ME. You will receive a miracletomorrow.Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracletomorrow. So send it right now!
Just as I finished editing this post my 3 yr old son came running up to me with a huge smile and my bible. He plopped it on my lap and ran away laughing. Ok, I get it....
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already have decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wakeup. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty Ihave with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and bethankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the newday and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be, to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Pass this message to 7 people, EXCEPT ME. You will receive a miracletomorrow.Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracletomorrow. So send it right now!
Just as I finished editing this post my 3 yr old son came running up to me with a huge smile and my bible. He plopped it on my lap and ran away laughing. Ok, I get it....
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Food for Thought...
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.--Antoine de St. Exupery
Masochist
Ok, I probably spelled it all wrong, but whatever. So, I like to inflict pain to myself I've realized. I am posting to my blog when quite obviously I should be on the internet looking for a job. Hello, Mere, priorities. I checked out some blogs today that I tend to frequent (belladonna...where are you?) and posted happy thoughts I'm radiating right now. Then, the masochist in me decided to check out dear you know who's blog. I don't know why I do that...he hadn't posted since February when he dropped the bomb..."oh yeah, by the way, I have MD" but I just check every so often to see how he's doing...why, he never posts, but I do it anyhow. He posted late last month, nothing major, just a short blurb. Makes me sad. But I did pray that if he wasn't meant to be then he shouldn't be in my life. Sure enough, prayer answered! Don't know why I miss him, probably because it was somebody to go out with occassionally that didn't care about my situation(s).
once, again, focus...priorities....Robert doesn't matter any more. I don't matter to him so why should I care. I don't understand the ways of the world and this whole Christianity thing. I'm supposed to care, but in this case I'm not supposed to because it will harm me (according to family and those who appear concerned about me). I care too much but trying not to. Oh well.
I hate that almost 2 months later I'm still pining over that man! The whole relationship lasted a total of 11 months, is it going to take me that long to get over it?
Just like my pen pal from High School. I was over it, moved along, and then when the chapter is closed there is continuation. closed again, somebody wants to re-open, in one way or another. Why does that dude keep popping up in my life again and again and again. There is nothing at all that we can gain from one another, but he is still popping up, be it a month later, a year later, even like 5 years later. Why?
I have a job interview today. We shall see what comes of this! Wish me luck.
once, again, focus...priorities....Robert doesn't matter any more. I don't matter to him so why should I care. I don't understand the ways of the world and this whole Christianity thing. I'm supposed to care, but in this case I'm not supposed to because it will harm me (according to family and those who appear concerned about me). I care too much but trying not to. Oh well.
I hate that almost 2 months later I'm still pining over that man! The whole relationship lasted a total of 11 months, is it going to take me that long to get over it?
Just like my pen pal from High School. I was over it, moved along, and then when the chapter is closed there is continuation. closed again, somebody wants to re-open, in one way or another. Why does that dude keep popping up in my life again and again and again. There is nothing at all that we can gain from one another, but he is still popping up, be it a month later, a year later, even like 5 years later. Why?
I have a job interview today. We shall see what comes of this! Wish me luck.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Yeah me!
Ok I lost my job...YEAH!
I have no students in class...YEAH!
I have little income....Yeah!
I have a workshop comming up...YEAH YEAH!!
why YEAH to all this....job, I hated it, time to pass the crown on to some other deserving schmuck. I miss my dearest Marci but besides that...pooh on everything else.
No students in class, now I just need to focus on practice, practice, practice...I'll be the BEST teacher when people start comming back to class after summer vacation
I have little income...I'll enjoy that lemonade that much more.
I have a workshop comming up....YEAH YEAH!! This will ROCK. I am so happy, gettin my name out there and dancin etc....whoa...ok, writing can't compare to the singing & dancing I'm doing right now.
Organizing CAN has been fun! For once people have to ask my approval and I'm getting some respect. I can look back and say, "Baby Trey, you were my inspiration and look at what I did!"
Point in case ~God gives us what we need, not what we want~
I have no students in class...YEAH!
I have little income....Yeah!
I have a workshop comming up...YEAH YEAH!!
why YEAH to all this....job, I hated it, time to pass the crown on to some other deserving schmuck. I miss my dearest Marci but besides that...pooh on everything else.
No students in class, now I just need to focus on practice, practice, practice...I'll be the BEST teacher when people start comming back to class after summer vacation
I have little income...I'll enjoy that lemonade that much more.
I have a workshop comming up....YEAH YEAH!! This will ROCK. I am so happy, gettin my name out there and dancin etc....whoa...ok, writing can't compare to the singing & dancing I'm doing right now.
Organizing CAN has been fun! For once people have to ask my approval and I'm getting some respect. I can look back and say, "Baby Trey, you were my inspiration and look at what I did!"
Point in case ~God gives us what we need, not what we want~
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
A new realization...
Ok, I've got to admit, I'm totally superficial. I think its in all of our nature, but it isn't helping me grow closer to the Lord. Lately I haven't been the best friend I can be to those who are deserving of my friendship. I haven't even been really focused lately. What's my deal? Who knows. I did some meditation, a little prayer too. Helped some, but I've been having these really selfish feelings of ONLY ME ME ME matters. It was nice this weekend to have others take care of my babies. People I didn't even really know were helping Trey when he approached them w/requests for "shoes off". Its been so long since a Non-blood relative has helped me with the boys. I need to learn to differenciate the kindness of others with kindness with motives.
Seeing mark after almost a year was interesting. He drains me. Its like being around the devil. Even his house is depressing, the color of the walls in that house, the old pictures...yuck. As always he made me feel like a cheap and dirty person. I was proud that I stood up for the kids and I through all his retarded and absurd requests and accusations. Usually I give in, cry, whatever it takes to appease him.
Long weekend, nice break, now I don't want to be here. I want everybody to leave me alone and let me make my decisions. I don't feel like I'm getting a whole lot of help right now. Oh well.
Seeing mark after almost a year was interesting. He drains me. Its like being around the devil. Even his house is depressing, the color of the walls in that house, the old pictures...yuck. As always he made me feel like a cheap and dirty person. I was proud that I stood up for the kids and I through all his retarded and absurd requests and accusations. Usually I give in, cry, whatever it takes to appease him.
Long weekend, nice break, now I don't want to be here. I want everybody to leave me alone and let me make my decisions. I don't feel like I'm getting a whole lot of help right now. Oh well.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Here I am!! Here I am!!
Ok, so I'm feeling a little French today...ha ha...inside joke...no comments on that one please, just don't even ask...
I'm feeling a little out of touch, a little uninspired and quite despondent. Time to pick up the good book and hit a Psalms or something, right???
Recap of events...not in this order....
Missed the belly dance course, the whole point of going to Louisiana. Oh well, I'll catch the next one, right? But I still got my fill of belly dancing when I went to Zeus and watched the beautiful & talented Angela dance and she asked me to get up and dance with her. YEAH!! That was cool! Shaking my hips in my low rise jeans and a hip scarf...just call me Shakira!
The 4th was fairly good. I got a small break from the typical hum drum of Houston and got to go to the little town of Lafayette. Interesting visit to say the least. The kids visited with their dad. Surprisingly, Spencer who is most attached to his dad just departed by saying in his best 3 year old babble, "ok daddy, bye, I'll miss you...smile". I was surprised. He didn't cry, he just accepted it. Then little Spencer asks me, "where are we going now, to my home?". My reply was no, McDonald's. He showed some real emotion about that.
Ran into some friends from High School. Got invited to a BBQ, what's the 4th without a BBQ, right? The kids & I went. They had a blast and were burnt out, I was well caffinated, which made for a nice 3 1/2 hours back home.
Despite the dumb fights I had to endure with Mark all in all....good trip, nice break!
I'm feeling a little out of touch, a little uninspired and quite despondent. Time to pick up the good book and hit a Psalms or something, right???
Recap of events...not in this order....
Missed the belly dance course, the whole point of going to Louisiana. Oh well, I'll catch the next one, right? But I still got my fill of belly dancing when I went to Zeus and watched the beautiful & talented Angela dance and she asked me to get up and dance with her. YEAH!! That was cool! Shaking my hips in my low rise jeans and a hip scarf...just call me Shakira!
The 4th was fairly good. I got a small break from the typical hum drum of Houston and got to go to the little town of Lafayette. Interesting visit to say the least. The kids visited with their dad. Surprisingly, Spencer who is most attached to his dad just departed by saying in his best 3 year old babble, "ok daddy, bye, I'll miss you...smile". I was surprised. He didn't cry, he just accepted it. Then little Spencer asks me, "where are we going now, to my home?". My reply was no, McDonald's. He showed some real emotion about that.
Ran into some friends from High School. Got invited to a BBQ, what's the 4th without a BBQ, right? The kids & I went. They had a blast and were burnt out, I was well caffinated, which made for a nice 3 1/2 hours back home.
Despite the dumb fights I had to endure with Mark all in all....good trip, nice break!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
A week later
So, it seems like Sundays are my day to post on my blog. I like to write when the spirit moves me, and I seem to be most moved when I go to church. Says alot for my pastor perhaps, perhaps not....
Here is my big news for the week. I have been appointed as the Marketing and PR person on the CAN (Cure Autism Now) planning committe for a huge 5K walk in October. Now is my time to shine both professionally and personally. What an honor, what a task. I have faith I can get this done. My goal for my team is $2500 between now and October and to build a team of 5. Where am I now...team 1 (me) and funds $0...4 team members to go and $2500 more to raise. I have never been much of a sales person or schmoozer, but I think I'll have to turn on the charm for this one...and I certainly don't mind. I'm excited about this opportunity. So if anybody in the world of the blogosphere is reading a donation of time, treasure and/or talent would be greatly appreciated. Ideas for fundraising and the such are welcomed also.
Today I'm getting some type of rest. Yesterday was the "big Birthday Party" for my little niece. Tons of people, and tons of humilitation from my mom. We have a love hate relationship, but there are times that I wonder why the Lord chose her to be my mother and why despite my efforts the relationship never seems to heal. The wounds of the past keep resurfacing. OH well, I can't change what is and has been. This is one of the situations where I need to learn how to make lemonade with the rotten black lemons I've been given. My mom has done wonderful things for me, but she has done many bad things. Do I rejoice in the good that she does, should I try to help her realize what she has done to me in the past 27 years? I guess for now, I'll just let it go. She will always hurt me, and I will always be the child she never wanted. If she didn't want me why didn't she just give me to somebody who did?
Questions to never be answered.
Here is my big news for the week. I have been appointed as the Marketing and PR person on the CAN (Cure Autism Now) planning committe for a huge 5K walk in October. Now is my time to shine both professionally and personally. What an honor, what a task. I have faith I can get this done. My goal for my team is $2500 between now and October and to build a team of 5. Where am I now...team 1 (me) and funds $0...4 team members to go and $2500 more to raise. I have never been much of a sales person or schmoozer, but I think I'll have to turn on the charm for this one...and I certainly don't mind. I'm excited about this opportunity. So if anybody in the world of the blogosphere is reading a donation of time, treasure and/or talent would be greatly appreciated. Ideas for fundraising and the such are welcomed also.
Today I'm getting some type of rest. Yesterday was the "big Birthday Party" for my little niece. Tons of people, and tons of humilitation from my mom. We have a love hate relationship, but there are times that I wonder why the Lord chose her to be my mother and why despite my efforts the relationship never seems to heal. The wounds of the past keep resurfacing. OH well, I can't change what is and has been. This is one of the situations where I need to learn how to make lemonade with the rotten black lemons I've been given. My mom has done wonderful things for me, but she has done many bad things. Do I rejoice in the good that she does, should I try to help her realize what she has done to me in the past 27 years? I guess for now, I'll just let it go. She will always hurt me, and I will always be the child she never wanted. If she didn't want me why didn't she just give me to somebody who did?
Questions to never be answered.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Sunday's Ramblings...
So today was quite a day....early in the wee hours of the morning I have a wonderful session. Eye opening and insightful on several levels, which I am so thankful for. Slept for a few hours, woke up trying to get to bible study at the special needs group, didn't happen...but I did make it to service at the bible church, which I was much happier about. Kevin is such a great pastor. When I leave I feel spiritually refreshed. I take the scenic route home so I can have time to reflect on what the sermon was about. It was nice to be back with my church family.
Speaking of reflections....there seems to be a common theme in my life both professionally and personally, The Lord has spoken to me through many venues, many people, I NEED TO BUILD AND NUTURE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE. I can't count the times I've read or heard "build relationships" in the past few weeks....Ok God, I get it, I get it...
I've pondered about so many things lately, its that whole mid 20's crisis I'm dealing with. As the big 3-0 approaches I am trying so hard to get all the missing pieces to my puzzle together. I don't have to have the puzzle completed, just gather up all the pieces and copy the picture on the front of the box...make sense...I know what I want, I just need to get my S*&^t together. Basically finding balance between my passions, my obligations and my ultimate goal.
Speaking of reflections....there seems to be a common theme in my life both professionally and personally, The Lord has spoken to me through many venues, many people, I NEED TO BUILD AND NUTURE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE. I can't count the times I've read or heard "build relationships" in the past few weeks....Ok God, I get it, I get it...
I've pondered about so many things lately, its that whole mid 20's crisis I'm dealing with. As the big 3-0 approaches I am trying so hard to get all the missing pieces to my puzzle together. I don't have to have the puzzle completed, just gather up all the pieces and copy the picture on the front of the box...make sense...I know what I want, I just need to get my S*&^t together. Basically finding balance between my passions, my obligations and my ultimate goal.
- Passions = Dance & Family (not neccessarily in that order)
- Obligations = Family & Career/Work
- Goal = Relationship with God & Education
In order to do my part in working towards the Glory of the Lord I need to dedicate my time and work hard at every one of the items listed above. Yes, even my dance. Dance because it is a gift that the Lord has granted me. Not that I'm the best or that I can quit my day job and live off of dancing, (although it would be nice to own my own studio that offers any genre of dance), but the fact that I have somewhat of an ability to dance I should cherish this gift. All of the things listed above are gifts. Even the Relationship with God that I am trying to begin. How many people/religions can say they can be in the presence of their Savior whenever they so desire, luckily I can say "ME". How wonderful it is to be driving, or working, or eating and just openly talk to the Lord.
I read in a book recently that we should rejoice and nourish all the gifts that hte Lord has granted us. Her example, imagine that you give somebody a beautiful gift and you wrap the gift in pretty wrapping and a huge bow. The person is so thankful for the gift and just in awe of the beautiful packaging they just put it on the table and admire. Never do they open the box to see the real gift. How sad one would be. Unfortunatly, I can say that I am the receipient of the beautifully packaged gift and the Lord is the giver. How sad he must feel to have given me such a wonderful gift and I haven't even begun to appreciate or discover the real gift that is inside.
So, that's my next adventure...appreciate the REAL gifts the Lord has blessed me with.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Did a blood clot kill Jesus on the cross?
Experts debate scenario for pulmonary embolism
Philippe Antonello / AP
Actor Jim Caviezel, portraying Jesus, is shown nailed to the cross on the set of "The Passion of the Christ" in a publicity photo.
The Associated Press
Updated: 8:15 p.m. ET June 9, 2005
JERUSALEM - Jesus may have died from a blood clot that reached his lungs, an Israeli physician said Wednesday, challenging the popular conception that he died of asphyxiation and blood loss during his crucifixion.
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Dr. Benjamin Brenner, a researcher at the Rambam Medical Center in the Israeli port city of Haifa, said he was publicizing his theory to raise awareness about pulmonary embolism, a potentially fatal disorder often associated with long-distance air travel.
However, the author of an earlier in-depth medical report into the cause of Jesus’ death dismissed the theory, and Bible scholars said that while establishing the physical cause of Jesus’ death was interesting, it ignored the spiritual dimension.
“It is known that the common cause of death in the setting of multiple trauma, immobilization and dehydration is pulmonary embolism,” Brenner wrote in the Journal of Thrombosis and Haemostasis. “This fits well with Jesus’ condition and actually was in all likelihood the major cause of death of crucified victims.”
A pulmonary embolism is caused when a blood clot travels to the lungs, usually from the leg, causing an acute shortness of breath and chest pains. It is frequently fatal.
Based on scripture and scientific papersBrenner based his understanding of Jesus’ condition at the time of his death on a 1986 paper published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, which referred to the New Testament and contemporary religious sources.
That paper found that before his crucifixion, Jesus went 12 hours without food or water, was under emotional stress, was beaten and forced to walk to the crucifixion site carrying the heavy cross beam of the cross on which he was crucified. He also was scourged before being nailed to the cross, leading to some blood loss.
Brenner said the authors may have missed the blood clot possibility because it was not fully understood then.
“The field of blood coagulation has gone through significant changes in the past 20 years,” he wrote.
But Dr. William D. Edwards, a co-author of the original paper, dismissed Brenner’s theory, saying he was well aware of the effects of pulmonary embolisms at the time.
“We didn’t list it in our article because we didn’t consider it a likely cause,” Edwards said, replying to questions by e-mail from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “Jesus was on the cross for only six hours. It seems unlikely that a large deep leg vein thrombus could develop and cause fatal pulmonary embolization in that short time.”
Bible scholars said that focusing on Jesus’ physical suffering as the cause of death missed the point.
“What they are doing is the autopsy of the physical body, which is always interesting from an academic standpoint,” said Stephen Pfann, a Bible scholar in Jerusalem. “But if people concentrate on that part of the event alone they are missing the most important part, which is the spiritual suffering.
“The major trauma for the son of God is the spiritual trauma, the loneliness feeling the rejection of God and the shame of the world that came upon him at that point,” he said.
© 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed
What do you think...interesting mix of Science & religion? People always trying to find logic in faith.
Experts debate scenario for pulmonary embolism
Philippe Antonello / AP
Actor Jim Caviezel, portraying Jesus, is shown nailed to the cross on the set of "The Passion of the Christ" in a publicity photo.
The Associated Press
Updated: 8:15 p.m. ET June 9, 2005
JERUSALEM - Jesus may have died from a blood clot that reached his lungs, an Israeli physician said Wednesday, challenging the popular conception that he died of asphyxiation and blood loss during his crucifixion.
advertisement
Dr. Benjamin Brenner, a researcher at the Rambam Medical Center in the Israeli port city of Haifa, said he was publicizing his theory to raise awareness about pulmonary embolism, a potentially fatal disorder often associated with long-distance air travel.
However, the author of an earlier in-depth medical report into the cause of Jesus’ death dismissed the theory, and Bible scholars said that while establishing the physical cause of Jesus’ death was interesting, it ignored the spiritual dimension.
“It is known that the common cause of death in the setting of multiple trauma, immobilization and dehydration is pulmonary embolism,” Brenner wrote in the Journal of Thrombosis and Haemostasis. “This fits well with Jesus’ condition and actually was in all likelihood the major cause of death of crucified victims.”
A pulmonary embolism is caused when a blood clot travels to the lungs, usually from the leg, causing an acute shortness of breath and chest pains. It is frequently fatal.
Based on scripture and scientific papersBrenner based his understanding of Jesus’ condition at the time of his death on a 1986 paper published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, which referred to the New Testament and contemporary religious sources.
That paper found that before his crucifixion, Jesus went 12 hours without food or water, was under emotional stress, was beaten and forced to walk to the crucifixion site carrying the heavy cross beam of the cross on which he was crucified. He also was scourged before being nailed to the cross, leading to some blood loss.
Brenner said the authors may have missed the blood clot possibility because it was not fully understood then.
“The field of blood coagulation has gone through significant changes in the past 20 years,” he wrote.
But Dr. William D. Edwards, a co-author of the original paper, dismissed Brenner’s theory, saying he was well aware of the effects of pulmonary embolisms at the time.
“We didn’t list it in our article because we didn’t consider it a likely cause,” Edwards said, replying to questions by e-mail from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn. “Jesus was on the cross for only six hours. It seems unlikely that a large deep leg vein thrombus could develop and cause fatal pulmonary embolization in that short time.”
Bible scholars said that focusing on Jesus’ physical suffering as the cause of death missed the point.
“What they are doing is the autopsy of the physical body, which is always interesting from an academic standpoint,” said Stephen Pfann, a Bible scholar in Jerusalem. “But if people concentrate on that part of the event alone they are missing the most important part, which is the spiritual suffering.
“The major trauma for the son of God is the spiritual trauma, the loneliness feeling the rejection of God and the shame of the world that came upon him at that point,” he said.
© 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed
What do you think...interesting mix of Science & religion? People always trying to find logic in faith.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Gov. Perry Signs Reforms to Protect Vulnerable Children, Adults
Reforms Will Improve Safety Net for Texans at Risk of Abuse and Neglect
SAN ANTONIO – Gov. Rick Perry today signed into law the major overhaul of protective services passed by the Texas legislature, Senate Bill 6. In January, Perry designated protective services reform an emergency issue and put forward strong recommendations for reform, which the legislature largely adopted.
“Today Texas is taking a significant step to restore hope to our most vulnerable citizens by mending our protective services safety net for children and adults at risk for abuse or neglect,” Perry said. “I am proud to sign Senate Bill 6 into law because it will put thousands of new protective service workers on the job who will be better trained, better compensated and better focused on the primary mission of protecting the vulnerable.”
Perry noted that at CPS, salaries will go up, and caseloads will go down by 40 percent. The amount of time spent on paperwork will be slashed by 58 percent and investigators will be free to spend 38 percent more time with children and families. APS workers will see caseloads drop to an average of 28 per month and a new education incentive program will help more employees develop advanced skills.
“Simply put, these reforms will save lives and ensure that every Texan can live a life of dignity,” Perry said. “And I am proud to put my name on a bill that will renew hope for those who have lost it as a result of neglect and abuse.”
Perry also noted that the reforms invest more in technology and provide caseworkers with digital cameras and tablet computers. These new tools will enable caseworkers to quickly assess whether a person is in danger and get them help as soon as possible. The reform measures also increase the number of support staff to help with administrative work so that investigators will be free to focus more attention on at risk children and adults.
“By improving management and oversight, and by establishing lines of authority that are clearer and tied to strict accountability, these reforms will ensure that investigators and caseworkers have the tools and help they need to protect the lives of those at risk of abuse, neglect and lasting harm,” Perry said.
Once again proof of how wonderful our Governor is!
SAN ANTONIO – Gov. Rick Perry today signed into law the major overhaul of protective services passed by the Texas legislature, Senate Bill 6. In January, Perry designated protective services reform an emergency issue and put forward strong recommendations for reform, which the legislature largely adopted.
“Today Texas is taking a significant step to restore hope to our most vulnerable citizens by mending our protective services safety net for children and adults at risk for abuse or neglect,” Perry said. “I am proud to sign Senate Bill 6 into law because it will put thousands of new protective service workers on the job who will be better trained, better compensated and better focused on the primary mission of protecting the vulnerable.”
Perry noted that at CPS, salaries will go up, and caseloads will go down by 40 percent. The amount of time spent on paperwork will be slashed by 58 percent and investigators will be free to spend 38 percent more time with children and families. APS workers will see caseloads drop to an average of 28 per month and a new education incentive program will help more employees develop advanced skills.
“Simply put, these reforms will save lives and ensure that every Texan can live a life of dignity,” Perry said. “And I am proud to put my name on a bill that will renew hope for those who have lost it as a result of neglect and abuse.”
Perry also noted that the reforms invest more in technology and provide caseworkers with digital cameras and tablet computers. These new tools will enable caseworkers to quickly assess whether a person is in danger and get them help as soon as possible. The reform measures also increase the number of support staff to help with administrative work so that investigators will be free to focus more attention on at risk children and adults.
“By improving management and oversight, and by establishing lines of authority that are clearer and tied to strict accountability, these reforms will ensure that investigators and caseworkers have the tools and help they need to protect the lives of those at risk of abuse, neglect and lasting harm,” Perry said.
Once again proof of how wonderful our Governor is!
Gov. Rick Perry Signs Parental Consent Bill
Also Ceremonially Signs Constitutional Amendment Defining Marriage
FORT WORTH - Gov. Rick Perry today signed into law a bill that strengthens parental rights by giving parents the right to consent before their minor daughters can have an abortion.
"Today we are laying down a significant marker in the effort to create a culture of life by protecting those who can't protect themselves, by giving voice to the voiceless who yearn for life," Perry said.
He also ceremonially signed a constitutional amendment that will define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, if voters approve the measure on the November ballot.
"History tells us, and most Texans believe, that marriage exists for more than the convenience of consenting adults, but also for the eternal benefit of our children," Perry said of the constitutional amendment.
In signing the parental consent bill, Perry said, "It has been a tragedy of unspeakable consequences that, for decades, activist courts denied many Texas parents their right to be involved in one of the most important decision their young daughter could ever make: whether to end the life that was growing inside her."
Perry noted that some have tried to rationalize abortion by concluding that a child is not involved - even though a heartbeat can be detected just weeks after conception - or that abortion is merely a medical procedure without life and death consequences or lasting emotional scars.
"Such rationalization severs our nation loose from the moorings our founding fathers created when they declared more than two centuries ago that the right to life is first among mankind's unalienable right," Perry added. "Because of it, an entire generation of unborn children have been forever lost to the tragedy of abortion."
Perry also noted that although the U.S. Supreme court legalized abortion, that decision does not mean abortions occur without consequence. "And certainly most of us can agree, when it is a child making such a weighty life and death decision, parents should be involved to provide proper guidance," he said.
"For years we have not allowed a minor to get a tattoo or to receive an aspirin from a school nurse without parental permission. Should we not apply the same standard to such a life and death decision such as abortion?"
The Parental Notification Act that Perry helped pass as Lieutenant Governor has helped reduce abortions 26 percent among girls under the age of 18. Still, more than 3,500 minor girls in Texas still chose to have an abortion as recently as 2003.
"While parents were notified, in none of those cases was a parent allowed to intervene to save the life of their unborn grandchild or to save their daughter from what often leads to a lifetime of regret and heartache," Perry said.
In ceremonially signing the resolution that will go before voters to define marriage, Perry said that despite the protests of "a vocal minority, the vast majority of people in Texas and across this nation believe that marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman."
To date, 45 states have passed laws to define and protect marriage, and two years ago Perry signed into law Texas' Defense of Marriage Act.
"But in recent years, we have seen Defense of Marriage laws in other states - and indeed the institution of marriage itself - come under attack by those who want to redefine society's institutions," Perry said, adding that activist judges have used their positions "as a platform to advance a narrow agenda in utter opposition to the law of the land and the views of the majority."
"These actions have brought legal uncertainty to an issue upon which the people are anything but uncertain," he added. "And more than that, these acts have posed a direct threat to the institution that is the very bedrock of society and the laws designed to protect that institution in states like Texas."
Bella Donna - We do have a great state!
FORT WORTH - Gov. Rick Perry today signed into law a bill that strengthens parental rights by giving parents the right to consent before their minor daughters can have an abortion.
"Today we are laying down a significant marker in the effort to create a culture of life by protecting those who can't protect themselves, by giving voice to the voiceless who yearn for life," Perry said.
He also ceremonially signed a constitutional amendment that will define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, if voters approve the measure on the November ballot.
"History tells us, and most Texans believe, that marriage exists for more than the convenience of consenting adults, but also for the eternal benefit of our children," Perry said of the constitutional amendment.
In signing the parental consent bill, Perry said, "It has been a tragedy of unspeakable consequences that, for decades, activist courts denied many Texas parents their right to be involved in one of the most important decision their young daughter could ever make: whether to end the life that was growing inside her."
Perry noted that some have tried to rationalize abortion by concluding that a child is not involved - even though a heartbeat can be detected just weeks after conception - or that abortion is merely a medical procedure without life and death consequences or lasting emotional scars.
"Such rationalization severs our nation loose from the moorings our founding fathers created when they declared more than two centuries ago that the right to life is first among mankind's unalienable right," Perry added. "Because of it, an entire generation of unborn children have been forever lost to the tragedy of abortion."
Perry also noted that although the U.S. Supreme court legalized abortion, that decision does not mean abortions occur without consequence. "And certainly most of us can agree, when it is a child making such a weighty life and death decision, parents should be involved to provide proper guidance," he said.
"For years we have not allowed a minor to get a tattoo or to receive an aspirin from a school nurse without parental permission. Should we not apply the same standard to such a life and death decision such as abortion?"
The Parental Notification Act that Perry helped pass as Lieutenant Governor has helped reduce abortions 26 percent among girls under the age of 18. Still, more than 3,500 minor girls in Texas still chose to have an abortion as recently as 2003.
"While parents were notified, in none of those cases was a parent allowed to intervene to save the life of their unborn grandchild or to save their daughter from what often leads to a lifetime of regret and heartache," Perry said.
In ceremonially signing the resolution that will go before voters to define marriage, Perry said that despite the protests of "a vocal minority, the vast majority of people in Texas and across this nation believe that marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman."
To date, 45 states have passed laws to define and protect marriage, and two years ago Perry signed into law Texas' Defense of Marriage Act.
"But in recent years, we have seen Defense of Marriage laws in other states - and indeed the institution of marriage itself - come under attack by those who want to redefine society's institutions," Perry said, adding that activist judges have used their positions "as a platform to advance a narrow agenda in utter opposition to the law of the land and the views of the majority."
"These actions have brought legal uncertainty to an issue upon which the people are anything but uncertain," he added. "And more than that, these acts have posed a direct threat to the institution that is the very bedrock of society and the laws designed to protect that institution in states like Texas."
Bella Donna - We do have a great state!
Texas House Approves Suggestive Cheerleading Ban
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
STORIES
•
Christian Schools Clean Up Cheerleading
•
Transcript: Will Texas Ban Sexy Cheerleading?
•
Putting a Stop to Sexy Cheerleading
•
Texas Lawmaker Wants End to 'Sexy Cheerleading'
•
Firing of Christian Cheerleading Coach Upheld
AUSTIN, Texas — After an alternately comic and fiery debate — punctuated by several lawmakers waving pompons — the state House on Tuesday approved a bill to restrict "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleading to more ladylike performances.
The bill would give the state education commissioner authority to request that school districts review high school performances.
"Girls can get out and do all of these overly sexually performances and we applaud them and that's not right," said Democratic Rep. Al Edwards (search), who filed the legislation.
Edwards argued bawdy performances are a distraction for students resulting in pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Ribald performances are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," he said.
The bill passed on a 65-56 vote. It still must be approved by the Senate and signed by Republican Gov. Rick Perry.
One critic questioned the legislation's priorities.
"Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson (search). "Have we done anything about the mentally ill, school finance or ethics?"
ONly in TX would legislation be so concerned about cheerleading being suggestive! GO SENFRONIA THOMPSON!!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
STORIES
•
Christian Schools Clean Up Cheerleading
•
Transcript: Will Texas Ban Sexy Cheerleading?
•
Putting a Stop to Sexy Cheerleading
•
Texas Lawmaker Wants End to 'Sexy Cheerleading'
•
Firing of Christian Cheerleading Coach Upheld
AUSTIN, Texas — After an alternately comic and fiery debate — punctuated by several lawmakers waving pompons — the state House on Tuesday approved a bill to restrict "overtly sexually suggestive" cheerleading to more ladylike performances.
The bill would give the state education commissioner authority to request that school districts review high school performances.
"Girls can get out and do all of these overly sexually performances and we applaud them and that's not right," said Democratic Rep. Al Edwards (search), who filed the legislation.
Edwards argued bawdy performances are a distraction for students resulting in pregnancies, dropouts and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.
Ribald performances are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," he said.
The bill passed on a 65-56 vote. It still must be approved by the Senate and signed by Republican Gov. Rick Perry.
One critic questioned the legislation's priorities.
"Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson (search). "Have we done anything about the mentally ill, school finance or ethics?"
ONly in TX would legislation be so concerned about cheerleading being suggestive! GO SENFRONIA THOMPSON!!
Saturday, June 11, 2005
The COOPER chapter has been closed!
FINALLY...closure on this situation. Belladonna posted a while back that I needed to stop putting forth so much energy & emotion on this. Bella donna you are wise beyond your years.
HISTORY OF THE SITUATION...After a wonderful bible study session a few weeks ago I didn't hear back from Rob. I called once to say hello. Knowing that baseball season is in full swing I figured he wouldn't be available. This was good though, I was sick, the kids have been under the weather and I've been a nervous wreck preparing for belly dance class. Not a huge surprise to not hear back from him. Yesterday my sis finally decided to enroll her son in baseball lessons...which I bought for him back in December...impecible timing Monica....anyhow, she can't get him scheduled with Rob so she asks me to call him to see when he will return to coaching. I call, the conversation is short, I was a little rude, felt bad, but got the information I needed. I called today to apologize for my shortness and rudeness. We talk a little - just general chit chat, (kids, work, etc.) - he apologizes throughout the conversation for not calling. Finally, he tells me that he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship that is only based on one thing and that it has been his fault that it has ended up that way. Once again another apology. Apology is not going to fix this hurt....that comment has brought up deep rooted pain. Once again my world is shooken up.
My REACTION...I felt hurt, dirty, and bad.
HISTORY OF THE SITUATION...After a wonderful bible study session a few weeks ago I didn't hear back from Rob. I called once to say hello. Knowing that baseball season is in full swing I figured he wouldn't be available. This was good though, I was sick, the kids have been under the weather and I've been a nervous wreck preparing for belly dance class. Not a huge surprise to not hear back from him. Yesterday my sis finally decided to enroll her son in baseball lessons...which I bought for him back in December...impecible timing Monica....anyhow, she can't get him scheduled with Rob so she asks me to call him to see when he will return to coaching. I call, the conversation is short, I was a little rude, felt bad, but got the information I needed. I called today to apologize for my shortness and rudeness. We talk a little - just general chit chat, (kids, work, etc.) - he apologizes throughout the conversation for not calling. Finally, he tells me that he doesn't want to be involved in a relationship that is only based on one thing and that it has been his fault that it has ended up that way. Once again another apology. Apology is not going to fix this hurt....that comment has brought up deep rooted pain. Once again my world is shooken up.
My REACTION...I felt hurt, dirty, and bad.
- Hurt that I have poured my heart and soul and energy into something that has ended up like I didn't want it to, not that I was ready for the alter but I wanted to end on a note much different than past realtionships that started out in a smoky bar.
- Dirty because that is not what I walked into the relationship doing. I always felt remorseful for crossing the line the few times it happened, but somehow or another the actions were "justified"...I should feel flattered that I was "wanted". That is not how I ever wanted to be desired. HELLO MEN OF THE WORLD I have a mind too.
- Bad because once again I was toyed with.
- Bad because somebody who is a strong Christian sees me as a bad influence. What did I do? What did I not do? I tried my best to keep us on the right track, it wasn't enough obviously.
Oh, well, I prayed for almost a year for clarity regarding this situation. I prayed that the Lord would make this situation crystal clear to me. That if he wanted this to continue that we would grow closer and stronger in His word. That if this was not what he wanted for me that he would rip him out of my life just as suddenly as He had Robert fall into my life. My prayers have been answered.
all I can say now is that I will continue to pray for Rob, his children and his health. I am so very thankful that the Lord blessed me with the gift of his friendship especially since he taught me about the bible and was able to point me in the right direction. I am blessed to have somebody like that in my life, the story of his struggles with a debilitating disease yet he still takes advantage of every moment that he has to utilize the muscles that he still can use. More active than myself, young & healthy. What an inspiration. I think I should start running again. If he could do it, I certainly can. I enjoyed it and Rob made me realize how much of a blessing it is for me to still possess youth and health. www.robertsamericancafe.blogspot.com
Ok, finally no more guessing, now comes the peace and acceptance of this situation. Hopefully, this is the last post about Robert G. Cooper.
Post from XANGA
This was a little post to somebody's XANGA site. The person I posted this to probably never read it. Oh well. XANGA is Much like blogger, but cooler, in my opinion....
There will always be somebody who will complain or disagree. I can somewhat see all sides of the fence being a parent, instructor and a student. As a parent, yes, I have often times disagreed with some of the teachers' methods. Namely, my oldest son's teacher insisted on calling him by his legal name when for the past 4 years we have called him by his nickname. I explained to the teacher that I chose to call him by his nickname because of legal complications with his father, etc. etc. She never listened, so I gave in. The kicker is that my child is Autistic, so he's already got transition issues, not to mention that she insists on calling him what she wants to. I gave in, it wasn't worth the fight to disrupt my child's education over something trivial. If I would have pushed it, sure, I would get my way, but as long as she was educating him, that's all that mattered to me. In the end, yes, I still call him by his nickname, but agreeing with her made the school year run more smoothly.
As a student, you should be ready to accept what comes your way. Then again, ages ago, in HS, that wasn't quite easy. That is the whole point of learning, is to absorb others opinions and interpretations on a subject. Yes, so right, I would never ask my family about sex and the such, it was just taboo. Even after having a family of my own, I think my mom is in denial of the fact that I know about s-e-x. Wow, I'm the only other female who has experienced immaculate conception! As a student, yes, I don't like what some professors say, but I also want my education.
I m probably tons more liberal than any parents at your school, but as time progresses I see that if I don't want my kids to see or hear bad things I should put them in a bubble. If kids don't see or hear things at school, there is worse on TV (Paris Hilton & BK), the internet and more. Once college rolls around, watch out, just being on campus is an eye opener. Limiting students prepares them for culture shock of the real world. Oh well, some people will remain as they are.
One final comment, I know that it is painful to have something that you pursue with complete ardour and passion criticized. As an instructor I put my mind, body, heart & soul on the line each time I walk into a studio or on a stage. I learned the hard way. Now, I know that dancing cannot be my bread & butter but it still hurts when a student drops or cancels a class because of me or my performance is criticized. Teaching I think is a love or hate thing. Everybody wants to be loved by all, but not everybody will embrace our beauty. Our diversity is what makes the world go round. I love what I do and do what I love that's why God has blessed each of us with the gifts and trials of our lives. Best of luck to you!
There will always be somebody who will complain or disagree. I can somewhat see all sides of the fence being a parent, instructor and a student. As a parent, yes, I have often times disagreed with some of the teachers' methods. Namely, my oldest son's teacher insisted on calling him by his legal name when for the past 4 years we have called him by his nickname. I explained to the teacher that I chose to call him by his nickname because of legal complications with his father, etc. etc. She never listened, so I gave in. The kicker is that my child is Autistic, so he's already got transition issues, not to mention that she insists on calling him what she wants to. I gave in, it wasn't worth the fight to disrupt my child's education over something trivial. If I would have pushed it, sure, I would get my way, but as long as she was educating him, that's all that mattered to me. In the end, yes, I still call him by his nickname, but agreeing with her made the school year run more smoothly.
As a student, you should be ready to accept what comes your way. Then again, ages ago, in HS, that wasn't quite easy. That is the whole point of learning, is to absorb others opinions and interpretations on a subject. Yes, so right, I would never ask my family about sex and the such, it was just taboo. Even after having a family of my own, I think my mom is in denial of the fact that I know about s-e-x. Wow, I'm the only other female who has experienced immaculate conception! As a student, yes, I don't like what some professors say, but I also want my education.
I m probably tons more liberal than any parents at your school, but as time progresses I see that if I don't want my kids to see or hear bad things I should put them in a bubble. If kids don't see or hear things at school, there is worse on TV (Paris Hilton & BK), the internet and more. Once college rolls around, watch out, just being on campus is an eye opener. Limiting students prepares them for culture shock of the real world. Oh well, some people will remain as they are.
One final comment, I know that it is painful to have something that you pursue with complete ardour and passion criticized. As an instructor I put my mind, body, heart & soul on the line each time I walk into a studio or on a stage. I learned the hard way. Now, I know that dancing cannot be my bread & butter but it still hurts when a student drops or cancels a class because of me or my performance is criticized. Teaching I think is a love or hate thing. Everybody wants to be loved by all, but not everybody will embrace our beauty. Our diversity is what makes the world go round. I love what I do and do what I love that's why God has blessed each of us with the gifts and trials of our lives. Best of luck to you!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Focus, Focus
Not that anybody's been reading lately but if you do, sorry I haven 't posted. I've been terribly busy. Aside from in typical stuff I deal with daily, I've been taking on the extra chore of being focused.
Focusing more on my spiritual life, focusing on my children, focusing on work. So I should rephrase the aforementioned because being focused is not a chore, it is an acquired skill to say the least. Especially when we speak of our spiritual life, this is the relationship that truely matters. Our spiritual growth is what completes our circle in life, connects what we have here on this earth to how we will live when we leave this earth.
Being focused on my children is not a chore either, once again, another lesson or set of lessons to be learned. Also ties in to the spiritual growth issue. God can take my little ones away from me in heartbeat, at the snap of my fingers. As much as I love those little guys they are only here temporarily, as if God is just lending them to me. They are only little once and I must cherish every moment of their youth. Yes, it tends to be taxing to have my little ducklings all follow me every where, at every moment but I think I'm starting to rejoice in their differences as well as their good qualities. Trey's autism has taught me patience and nuturing. Spencer's anger has taught me how to love till it hurts....that saying kill 'em with kindness, that is the essence of our relationship. Spencer has taught me how to laugh and smell the roses. Mila is a total doll, she's funny like Spencer, sweet & innocent like Trey and a determined, strong willed little lady. Seeing her makes me realize that we all have a fighter within. That girl is 25 lbs of pure energy and strength-nothing and nobody stands in her way. And just like a southern girl...always with a sweet smile that melts your heart.
Last but not least, focusing on work. Gotta eat...gotta work. I may not have the dream job, but the Lord has opened this door for me for some reason. Whether I am hired as a permanent fixture there or I move on, I will always appreciate filling the fridge up with cokes and making copies, etc. As "director of first impressions" I know that my little contribution makes up for the whole. Excellence is always expected at this place, but it always feels good to be part of the excellent product that is a result of those high expectations. I know already in the few short months there that I have been motivated to do more, fill my cup more, shall we say, and not settle for a 1/2 filled cup. This motivation has opened my eyes to accept & reject things in my life I might otherwise would have not.
All in all, it is the perfect plan of God that has me in the position that I am in right now. He has placed the tools there for me....job, home, friends, family, children, car....to have a content life here on earth. Its up to me to cherish and take care of the gifts I ahve been granted. Its up to me to live an excellent life to express my utmost gratitude for having yet another sunrise, another debt, another breath, another trial.
ok, i got a little side tracked, but I will write more later.
Focusing more on my spiritual life, focusing on my children, focusing on work. So I should rephrase the aforementioned because being focused is not a chore, it is an acquired skill to say the least. Especially when we speak of our spiritual life, this is the relationship that truely matters. Our spiritual growth is what completes our circle in life, connects what we have here on this earth to how we will live when we leave this earth.
Being focused on my children is not a chore either, once again, another lesson or set of lessons to be learned. Also ties in to the spiritual growth issue. God can take my little ones away from me in heartbeat, at the snap of my fingers. As much as I love those little guys they are only here temporarily, as if God is just lending them to me. They are only little once and I must cherish every moment of their youth. Yes, it tends to be taxing to have my little ducklings all follow me every where, at every moment but I think I'm starting to rejoice in their differences as well as their good qualities. Trey's autism has taught me patience and nuturing. Spencer's anger has taught me how to love till it hurts....that saying kill 'em with kindness, that is the essence of our relationship. Spencer has taught me how to laugh and smell the roses. Mila is a total doll, she's funny like Spencer, sweet & innocent like Trey and a determined, strong willed little lady. Seeing her makes me realize that we all have a fighter within. That girl is 25 lbs of pure energy and strength-nothing and nobody stands in her way. And just like a southern girl...always with a sweet smile that melts your heart.
Last but not least, focusing on work. Gotta eat...gotta work. I may not have the dream job, but the Lord has opened this door for me for some reason. Whether I am hired as a permanent fixture there or I move on, I will always appreciate filling the fridge up with cokes and making copies, etc. As "director of first impressions" I know that my little contribution makes up for the whole. Excellence is always expected at this place, but it always feels good to be part of the excellent product that is a result of those high expectations. I know already in the few short months there that I have been motivated to do more, fill my cup more, shall we say, and not settle for a 1/2 filled cup. This motivation has opened my eyes to accept & reject things in my life I might otherwise would have not.
All in all, it is the perfect plan of God that has me in the position that I am in right now. He has placed the tools there for me....job, home, friends, family, children, car....to have a content life here on earth. Its up to me to cherish and take care of the gifts I ahve been granted. Its up to me to live an excellent life to express my utmost gratitude for having yet another sunrise, another debt, another breath, another trial.
ok, i got a little side tracked, but I will write more later.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Getting Closer
Why is it that when we are on our journey towards Christ, things get tumultous....
why am I $70 short of loosing everything I own?
why am I too sick to read the bible and other spiritual readings so that I may become fulfilled?
why is my family condemning me for attending a bible based church?
why is my family hard on me aobut my situation?
when one door has opened for me this week, about 5 others have shut. Why is this?
Trey is fine, I'm still sick. I have my 1st dance class tomorrow and I am scared out of my wits about it. wish me luck.
why am I $70 short of loosing everything I own?
why am I too sick to read the bible and other spiritual readings so that I may become fulfilled?
why is my family condemning me for attending a bible based church?
why is my family hard on me aobut my situation?
when one door has opened for me this week, about 5 others have shut. Why is this?
Trey is fine, I'm still sick. I have my 1st dance class tomorrow and I am scared out of my wits about it. wish me luck.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Please Pray
Patiently waiting right now, its almost midnight, Trey's been sick all day. Now I'm really starting to worry. I called his pediatrician's office. They are on call 24 hours/day. They'll call me back and tell me what to do. I'm thinking the hospital at this point. Great, I think our medical coverage is about to run out too.
Such is life!
Please keep us in your prayers guys. And pray that the others, including mommy, don't get this gunk too.
Such is life!
Please keep us in your prayers guys. And pray that the others, including mommy, don't get this gunk too.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
And the search continues
So today all went well health wise and we made it to church. I'd never been to a baptist church before so this was a totally new experience for me.
The church was HUGE. Certainly nothing like Copperfield Bible Church, small & quaint. the kids were in two different buildings Spencer & Mila in one and Trey in another. Trey was in the JOY building. They call the ministry for children with special needs the JOY ministry. THe purpose is to find JOY in disability. I'm all about emphasising the positives in Trey.
After about 20 minutes of signing kids in and getting them situated, I finally got to sit in on the Joyful Journey bible study. It was myself, a couple and the facilitator. Later another couple joined us. I try my best to keep a positive outlook and focus on Trey's plusses, like he's very talented with numbers an music. I was a little depressed in the bible study because we didn't study the bible and we didn't talk aobut the positives of the kids. The other couple is very emotional about their son's diagnoses, (usually Autism or PDD is related with other diagnoses such as epilepsy and MR for Trey). They seemed to have this woa-is-me-because-I-have-a- disabled-child attitude. The husband even started crying. Not my cup of tea. Everybody was trying to associate with me, (like I know Suzy Q who is about to get a divorce, maybe you can talk to her about being single or my grandson in Wisconsin is Autistic too), it was too much. I did pray for a place that I could fit in. It was cool, I saw one of the helpers taking Trey for a tour around the campus of the church in a wagon. Its nice to be able to drop Trey off and let people know that he is Autistic and not get a raised brow, not get a negative reaction but he is embraced with open arms and knowledgable people.
I went to the service also. This was a new experience. The choir was full fledged with electric and acoustic guitars, an army of singers, power point show and all. They said that they usually bring the children of JOY over to sing with the congregation. I think Trey will freak out. We'll just take it one day at a time. The pastor was very funny, but hardly filling my spiritual cup this week. It took more time to sing all the songs than it did to read from the bible. He read Genesis chapters 3 &4 and followed with his story/sermon. I am used to the slower pace of a bible church where you actually STUDY the bible and apply the word to your life.
In conclusion, I was overwhelmed. I think this may be a good place for the kids, but not necessarily for me. I underline the word may because Spencer & Mila are pretty easy going and adjust fairly well to new situations. Trey is a little more challenging to caregivers, including mommy at times. I try my best not to limit Trey and associate him with only special needs kids, but other groups don't understand that he has special needs and get really frustrated with him. The size of the church was pretty intimidating too. I have not scratched this option off my list completely yet. I may consider just going for bible study. At least I know that the option is there.
The church was HUGE. Certainly nothing like Copperfield Bible Church, small & quaint. the kids were in two different buildings Spencer & Mila in one and Trey in another. Trey was in the JOY building. They call the ministry for children with special needs the JOY ministry. THe purpose is to find JOY in disability. I'm all about emphasising the positives in Trey.
After about 20 minutes of signing kids in and getting them situated, I finally got to sit in on the Joyful Journey bible study. It was myself, a couple and the facilitator. Later another couple joined us. I try my best to keep a positive outlook and focus on Trey's plusses, like he's very talented with numbers an music. I was a little depressed in the bible study because we didn't study the bible and we didn't talk aobut the positives of the kids. The other couple is very emotional about their son's diagnoses, (usually Autism or PDD is related with other diagnoses such as epilepsy and MR for Trey). They seemed to have this woa-is-me-because-I-have-a- disabled-child attitude. The husband even started crying. Not my cup of tea. Everybody was trying to associate with me, (like I know Suzy Q who is about to get a divorce, maybe you can talk to her about being single or my grandson in Wisconsin is Autistic too), it was too much. I did pray for a place that I could fit in. It was cool, I saw one of the helpers taking Trey for a tour around the campus of the church in a wagon. Its nice to be able to drop Trey off and let people know that he is Autistic and not get a raised brow, not get a negative reaction but he is embraced with open arms and knowledgable people.
I went to the service also. This was a new experience. The choir was full fledged with electric and acoustic guitars, an army of singers, power point show and all. They said that they usually bring the children of JOY over to sing with the congregation. I think Trey will freak out. We'll just take it one day at a time. The pastor was very funny, but hardly filling my spiritual cup this week. It took more time to sing all the songs than it did to read from the bible. He read Genesis chapters 3 &4 and followed with his story/sermon. I am used to the slower pace of a bible church where you actually STUDY the bible and apply the word to your life.
In conclusion, I was overwhelmed. I think this may be a good place for the kids, but not necessarily for me. I underline the word may because Spencer & Mila are pretty easy going and adjust fairly well to new situations. Trey is a little more challenging to caregivers, including mommy at times. I try my best not to limit Trey and associate him with only special needs kids, but other groups don't understand that he has special needs and get really frustrated with him. The size of the church was pretty intimidating too. I have not scratched this option off my list completely yet. I may consider just going for bible study. At least I know that the option is there.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Writer's Block
I think some of us get this sometimes. Lately, I've been trying to write more about the rest of my life...I really do have depth & dimension.
I read this on somebody's XANGA site. These are much like a blog. Maybe I'll try one out. Maybe one of my posts will be a little more interesting.
33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression.
1. Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.
2. Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.
3. Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.
4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, the small things, and everything in between you can think of.
5. Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing you appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.
6. Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can't think of any more. Then choose the top five.
7. For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.
8. Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.
9. Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.
10. Describe how your life would be different if _________ had or had not happened. Here are some example:
- If your parents had divorced
- If your parents had remained married
- If your parents had been married
- If your mother hadn't passed away
- If you hadn't moved to ____
- If you had gone to college
- If you hadn't gone to college
- If you had gone to ____ college
- If you had never met ______
- If you hadn't broken up with ______
11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.
12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.
13. Write about your junior year in high school.
14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.
15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.
16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.
17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.
18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.
19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.
20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:
- What your life is like now
- What you have learned since you were 10
- What you want him or her to know
- What you want him or her to be aware of
- What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of
21.Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.
22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn't appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.
23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.
24. Think of someone who never acknowledged YOU for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.
25. Make alist of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.
26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:
Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening
Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening
Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences
27. Write about the five things you most like to do.
28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.
29. Make a list of five places you'd like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.
30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.
31. Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
32. Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.
33. Write a lettter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.
Please pray for me...
Ok, I feel a little selfish when I ask others to pray for me, but I'll do it anyhow.
Earlier this week I was so very excited about the church I found that has the Special Needs Kids ministry. All week long I've been looking forward to attending. Today, I woke up with a relapse of last week not feeling very well. My throat is killing me so much I can barely talk. I have a fever, that I've been prespiring all day and changing clothes just to get comfy, and I'm a pretty cold natured person. My head is killing me. It hurts to sit up, but w/3 kids there is no room or time for resting. when I was laying down, they all came inthe room and jumped on the bed, poked me in the eyes, etc. If you have kids, you know how it goes. So please pray that Satan goes away and I am able to kick this funky feeling and able to attend church tomorrow.
Please pray that my kids will also be healthy and be able to attend. Basically, please pray that there are no glitches and we'll be able to make it to church tomorrow.
Finally, something that I didn't report earlier that I'm TOTALLY stoked about...next Saturday will be my 1st belly dance lesson in Houston! I am excited! I haven't taught in about 5 yrs. so you can imagine I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me this week. This is like my "second job" to make ends meet and get out of this place I'm living.
Earlier this week I was so very excited about the church I found that has the Special Needs Kids ministry. All week long I've been looking forward to attending. Today, I woke up with a relapse of last week not feeling very well. My throat is killing me so much I can barely talk. I have a fever, that I've been prespiring all day and changing clothes just to get comfy, and I'm a pretty cold natured person. My head is killing me. It hurts to sit up, but w/3 kids there is no room or time for resting. when I was laying down, they all came inthe room and jumped on the bed, poked me in the eyes, etc. If you have kids, you know how it goes. So please pray that Satan goes away and I am able to kick this funky feeling and able to attend church tomorrow.
Please pray that my kids will also be healthy and be able to attend. Basically, please pray that there are no glitches and we'll be able to make it to church tomorrow.
Finally, something that I didn't report earlier that I'm TOTALLY stoked about...next Saturday will be my 1st belly dance lesson in Houston! I am excited! I haven't taught in about 5 yrs. so you can imagine I'm a little nervous. Please pray for me this week. This is like my "second job" to make ends meet and get out of this place I'm living.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Pink Ink In My Think
I've had for almost a year...here's a little entry more about something other than you know who...
My 3 little ones are the light of my life. I think that was my recent obsession with YKW (you know who). All I wanted was to provide the best life for them, provide a family for them like I had, with a mom & dad, and sisters and going to ballet class, the whole bit. Although YKW is an awesome person, he has served his purpose. He continues to be a great influence in my life, but friends are good to have, and I have to continue to tell myself that. I kept focusing on getting a "normal family" that I overlooked something detrementally important...take care of my kids. By no means were they neglected but I now intend on dedicating more time and energy on them. They are just babies, they need me now more than ever!
Trey is my oldest. He still has a cherub face at the age of 4. He is so sweet, so loving. There is an innocence he will always have that I just adore. I love the way he looks at me with such love. so pure, so innocent, so honest, without pretense, so unconditional. I get so frustrated with him. The constant echolalia (that is echoing words and phrases), the constant whine when he gets frustrated, (which is often), the repetitive behaviors. I'll yell at him, then he gives me the big brown puppy dog eyes...who can resist? It puts me in check. I love him so much, and perhaps one day you'll read this Trey, never forget despite everything I love you.
Spencer, oh Spencer. What a little trip this kid is. He is silly and sweetness all rolled into one. Quite reminisent of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Funny, that was his dad's nickname. He is almost identical to his dad in behavior and attitude unfortunantely the temper to match with the hitting and pushing. Part of it is the 3 year old behavior, but part of it, I don't care what "experts" say, he has inherited that hot temper from his dad. Tahnk goodness the kids werequite small when their dad became physically aggresive with me, I can't recall him doing anything infront of the boys, but their dad hasn't been around enough for them to pick up habits. Spencer will protect you until the end if its in his heart. He doesn't let anybody pick on Trey or Mila and is quite generous with the hugs. He picks flowers for me everyday after school. The only man I can count on to give me flowers. :) Spencer, you make me laugh even when I don't want to. I love you for that! Even when I'm crying you'll come up and hug me and tell me the best way you can that "it's all right". I love you so much!!
Last but certainly not least...my lovely Mila. (Pronounced My-la) I always wanted a little girl to dress up and put big pink bows in her hair. I got a little girl all right, but don't bother with the bows because she'll rip them out. Don't take her purse away from her either because she'll punch you out. Talk about a liberated woman. At the tender age of 2, she stands up for what she wants...you go girl. Her determination and tenacity, wow, had I possessed just 1/4 of what this little girl does at 19, I would be a different person today. She will find a way to get what she wants when she wants it. Then she'll use her feminine charm and melt your heart with her smile. To me, she's absolutely stunning when she's serious and precious when she smiles. She'll be on that show America's Next Top Model when she's 21 or so. Her brothers will have to watch out for her boyfriends! She radiates love...she'll cuddle with anybody and is another one whose generous with the hugs. Mila, keep that determination and tenacity forever, don't let anybody tell you that you can't....show them that you will. your beauty shines from the inside out. I love you so much little woman.
All three of them are my pillars of strength. I love them more than anything else in this world. They the reason I wake up in the morning and exhaust me enough to help me get a good night's sleep (at times). Its so true what tehy say...when you become a mother be prepared to have your heart walk on the outside of your body...or something like that.
My 3 little ones are the light of my life. I think that was my recent obsession with YKW (you know who). All I wanted was to provide the best life for them, provide a family for them like I had, with a mom & dad, and sisters and going to ballet class, the whole bit. Although YKW is an awesome person, he has served his purpose. He continues to be a great influence in my life, but friends are good to have, and I have to continue to tell myself that. I kept focusing on getting a "normal family" that I overlooked something detrementally important...take care of my kids. By no means were they neglected but I now intend on dedicating more time and energy on them. They are just babies, they need me now more than ever!
Trey is my oldest. He still has a cherub face at the age of 4. He is so sweet, so loving. There is an innocence he will always have that I just adore. I love the way he looks at me with such love. so pure, so innocent, so honest, without pretense, so unconditional. I get so frustrated with him. The constant echolalia (that is echoing words and phrases), the constant whine when he gets frustrated, (which is often), the repetitive behaviors. I'll yell at him, then he gives me the big brown puppy dog eyes...who can resist? It puts me in check. I love him so much, and perhaps one day you'll read this Trey, never forget despite everything I love you.
Spencer, oh Spencer. What a little trip this kid is. He is silly and sweetness all rolled into one. Quite reminisent of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Funny, that was his dad's nickname. He is almost identical to his dad in behavior and attitude unfortunantely the temper to match with the hitting and pushing. Part of it is the 3 year old behavior, but part of it, I don't care what "experts" say, he has inherited that hot temper from his dad. Tahnk goodness the kids werequite small when their dad became physically aggresive with me, I can't recall him doing anything infront of the boys, but their dad hasn't been around enough for them to pick up habits. Spencer will protect you until the end if its in his heart. He doesn't let anybody pick on Trey or Mila and is quite generous with the hugs. He picks flowers for me everyday after school. The only man I can count on to give me flowers. :) Spencer, you make me laugh even when I don't want to. I love you for that! Even when I'm crying you'll come up and hug me and tell me the best way you can that "it's all right". I love you so much!!
Last but certainly not least...my lovely Mila. (Pronounced My-la) I always wanted a little girl to dress up and put big pink bows in her hair. I got a little girl all right, but don't bother with the bows because she'll rip them out. Don't take her purse away from her either because she'll punch you out. Talk about a liberated woman. At the tender age of 2, she stands up for what she wants...you go girl. Her determination and tenacity, wow, had I possessed just 1/4 of what this little girl does at 19, I would be a different person today. She will find a way to get what she wants when she wants it. Then she'll use her feminine charm and melt your heart with her smile. To me, she's absolutely stunning when she's serious and precious when she smiles. She'll be on that show America's Next Top Model when she's 21 or so. Her brothers will have to watch out for her boyfriends! She radiates love...she'll cuddle with anybody and is another one whose generous with the hugs. Mila, keep that determination and tenacity forever, don't let anybody tell you that you can't....show them that you will. your beauty shines from the inside out. I love you so much little woman.
All three of them are my pillars of strength. I love them more than anything else in this world. They the reason I wake up in the morning and exhaust me enough to help me get a good night's sleep (at times). Its so true what tehy say...when you become a mother be prepared to have your heart walk on the outside of your body...or something like that.
I'm back...
***let me start by appologizing for the previous post. bella - it appears that I too am technologically challenged, my post was much longer but 1/2 of it didn't appear??? What's up with that blogger people?? Anyhow, I sounded stupid & shallow. The good stuff got erased. Oh well.***
Bella & Tom...I love you guys!!
Thank you so much for the responses and comments. Your words are truely a blessing to me. Sometimes you need to see it (hence why I have a blog) to comprehend it. Sometimes the Lord has to hit you over the head with the answers (hence your words Bella & Tom).Here's a quick (or at least that's my intention) synopsis of the week...
- Starbucks was great, I got my spiritual "fill" that I have been seeking. At least for the week. I got a semi-appology from Robert for his inappropriate behavior and actions. Wow...a man admits he might be wrong...big step. I call it a semi-appology because he didn't say, I'm sorry Meredith, he just admited that he was wrong. As I said...big step. We ate dinner and throughout the evening, I realized that he's a good friend, we can talk bible, we can talk sports, (at least I try to), we can swap kid stories, but that's it. He's so anti-commitment and I jumped into this situation heart first. Then there was your comments Tom & Bella. Thank you. I REALLY needed to hear it for confirmation.
- My sis showed up at Starbucks to spy on Rob & I. Can you believe that after almost 1 year, he never met my family. HUGE deal. I live w/my sis and my other sis & mom live about 10 minutes from me. We are close in distance and emotion. another story, another time. At any rate, it was a little weird to have my sis there. Oh well.
- On Friday, doing a little research I found a church that has a ministry especially for children with Special Needs. They even go out to your car & help you with getting the kids out of the car! This is a HUGE deal when you have 3 toddlers. At our bible study, Robert mentioned this ministry. I feel like Rob suggesting that I attend this church was like God's way of hitting me over the head w/a 2 x 4....like go to this church; it was the 3rd suggestion to go to that church/ministry that very weekend. Rob even offered to talk to the pastor of the church for me to make certian that the kids and I had everything we needed to be prepared for church (sign ups for the kids and all). This was REALLY WEIRD considering his anti-relationship stance and all. I was touched by this action, but I still realize that there really nothing more to this than him being a good Christian. I'm so tired of acting tough that I'll gladly accept any assistance in any realm of my life. The fact that Rob knew this ministry makes me feel at ease about going because I think he has a gift of discernment when it comes to people or churches who pose as "Christian".
- Trey was approved for several benefits through the state!! Yeah! I have only been working with disability system of the state since 2001 when Trey was about 5 months old, he's now 4 years old! I am blessed to be in TX these benefits are not even available in Louisiana. Sure, it saddens me to have an official diagnosis of a "mentally retarded" child but he has lots of open doors for help and we can move on from here.
- I was strong enough to tell somebody no...I accepted just about any date, even if I didn't feel safe, partially my insecurity, partially me not wanting to hurt anybody not realizing that it hurts more for both parties to be in a relationship without merit or feeling or value.
Doesn't sound like much, but its been pretty cool week.
This week's goals
12 step program....I've never thought of myself as an addict, dependent or clingy but I am. No, not drugs, but affection and acceptance. Tom, I too "lost" my dad at the age of 10. I'll tell ya about that one later. Anyhow, I think that I was so happy that for once somebody was "dating" me, taking me to public places that did not involve alcohol or drugs. He's pretty good looking too...I never really dated much, and certainly not somebody who was a dreamy. Somebody who didn't have sex with me and still talked to me.
You are so right Bella, looks are not everything. That is so totally not me...my ex-husband was about 5', weighed about 300 lbs, had 0 social skills or couth and no sense of what a bathtub or toothbrush were. I loved him to death though. I guess it feels good to have an arm piece every so often. now I'm done with that.
Now, I feel Rob is like a drug. He made me feel good, I want to continue to feel good like I did a year ago when we met so I keep going back for more, I know he's not good for me, but I can't give him up. I think I need to approach this situation like somebody getting off drugs...the 1st step is admitting the problem.
Thanks again Tom & Bella...Love you guys!!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Talk about mixed signals...
Ok, this is a total shout out! I have no idea how this entry will end up, all I know is that I need to vent now and walk into Starbucks in the next few hours with a clear mind and a pure heart.
So, if any of you have been following my little blog you know that from the beginning this blog was set up because I needed an outlet regarding my struggles. I had another little blog where I posted everything personal and not so personal about my life. My friend who is a teacher at an ultra conservative Christian school had some students who ran across the blog, started posting and boy oh boy did that cause some friction. I guess I should have some restraint and not kiss and tell, especially since this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. Oh, well, seriously doubt that will happen again. At least I really hope not!!
Ok, back to the issue at hand. I met my buddy and he was truely heaven sent. Athletic, smart, funny most importantly SPIRITUAL it didn't hurt that his looks were reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart and he sounds like George Clooney too. After a tumultous "stormy" divorce he was my "calm". I needed the spirituality and positive aura he presented. I needed his calming and controlled nature. When we first started seeing each other I adored every moment. For the 1st time somebody appeared to be concerned about ME, we did a little bible study which I totally loved. We studied because that's what I wanted, not because he ever pushed it on me. Soon, the respect went away, we got into these heavy petting sessions. Nothing bad, things were just not heading in a direction that I wanted to be in spiritually or otherwise. My idea now, is that I should not be away from my kids in activities, amongst undesirable company or in situations that were not productive or healthy.
Here we are, almost a year later. Recently I was told that he was not ready to be involved in my life spiritually. We haven't gone to church together because he doesn't want the pressure of possibly being in a commited relationship from his church family. I can appreciate this. He didn't want to go to church with me because he goes with his children. I can certainly appreciate this also. The last thing you want to do is involve your children in a relationship too soon.
So, if any of you have been following my little blog you know that from the beginning this blog was set up because I needed an outlet regarding my struggles. I had another little blog where I posted everything personal and not so personal about my life. My friend who is a teacher at an ultra conservative Christian school had some students who ran across the blog, started posting and boy oh boy did that cause some friction. I guess I should have some restraint and not kiss and tell, especially since this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. Oh, well, seriously doubt that will happen again. At least I really hope not!!
Ok, back to the issue at hand. I met my buddy and he was truely heaven sent. Athletic, smart, funny most importantly SPIRITUAL it didn't hurt that his looks were reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart and he sounds like George Clooney too. After a tumultous "stormy" divorce he was my "calm". I needed the spirituality and positive aura he presented. I needed his calming and controlled nature. When we first started seeing each other I adored every moment. For the 1st time somebody appeared to be concerned about ME, we did a little bible study which I totally loved. We studied because that's what I wanted, not because he ever pushed it on me. Soon, the respect went away, we got into these heavy petting sessions. Nothing bad, things were just not heading in a direction that I wanted to be in spiritually or otherwise. My idea now, is that I should not be away from my kids in activities, amongst undesirable company or in situations that were not productive or healthy.
Here we are, almost a year later. Recently I was told that he was not ready to be involved in my life spiritually. We haven't gone to church together because he doesn't want the pressure of possibly being in a commited relationship from his church family. I can appreciate this. He didn't want to go to church with me because he goes with his children. I can certainly appreciate this also. The last thing you want to do is involve your children in a relationship too soon.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
It seems you have a pink ink in your think
(This one started as dedication to Tom)
Today, here I sit, 27, divorced, didn't finish college, 3 toddlers. I had a "family" and I put that in quotes because although I was married I might as well have been a single mom. It was all on me. I longed to have part of what I have now...Spiritual Growth...for myself & my children. I am still learning but I am far from where I was when I was married. Somebody commented to me recently that they wished they had what my ex-husband & I had. Yes, we are good friends but that is it. Just as the people in line @ Star Wars.
I can't stress enough to you that it is important be strong in Christ for yourself & your family. I walked into my marriage with no idea of the real world. What I thought was the real world at 22 in little Lafayette, LA pales in comparison to what I face today at 27 in Houston. Perhaps it is the fact that I have grown closer to God, perhaps its the kids, perhaps the fact that my child is autistic, probably a combination of all of it...at any rate, the only way I get through my trials is the power of prayer. I don't do it all by myself and didn't get here all by myself.
Today I was watching a video with the kids, there was a line that caught my attention...
"it seems you have a pink ink in your think"
The song went on to say basically that we have all our hands, toes, etc in tact, if we get our head in the right place then we'll be all right. That's what's been going on with me, my head has been in the wrong place. I needed to focus on what is important. I am young and healthy, my children are beautiful and talented, I am a Christian, I have a wonderful family. What do I have to complain about? Yeah, I'm not happy about where I live. My job is...well, ok...but at least I have one. But I have been blessed once again with another sunrise. Sure, I struggle terribly with the Robert situation. But that is one that God is working in both of our lives. Besides my ex-husband, he is probably the only person I've had any kind of relationship with. He doesn't come in riding on a white horse ready to sweep me away to a beautiful castle. He doesn't shower me with gifts, roses, money or compliments. He doesn't promise me the moon and the stars, but I am thankful for him. He is so honest and patient with my situation and with my hang-ups. Yes, at times we stray from what we both know is appropriate behavior. Yes, I am so desperately wanting to rebuild my life and have a family once again. As the saying goes, God gives us what we need and not what we want. I want to be married, but I am thankful that I am not. I have been given the opportunity to mature spiritually and socially. I used to settle for what came my way. Now I know I have a voice and I will be heard. Now I'm trying to learn to shut up.
I am so thankful for what I have today because I struggled in the past. There was a time shortly before I found out that I was expecting my first child that I was told I would not have children at all. Here I sit, with 3 beautiful babies. what an honor it is to hear the word MAMA. (yeah, it's a little annoying at times too, but I love 'em).
Aah, the power of animated films and Psalms!
Today, here I sit, 27, divorced, didn't finish college, 3 toddlers. I had a "family" and I put that in quotes because although I was married I might as well have been a single mom. It was all on me. I longed to have part of what I have now...Spiritual Growth...for myself & my children. I am still learning but I am far from where I was when I was married. Somebody commented to me recently that they wished they had what my ex-husband & I had. Yes, we are good friends but that is it. Just as the people in line @ Star Wars.
I can't stress enough to you that it is important be strong in Christ for yourself & your family. I walked into my marriage with no idea of the real world. What I thought was the real world at 22 in little Lafayette, LA pales in comparison to what I face today at 27 in Houston. Perhaps it is the fact that I have grown closer to God, perhaps its the kids, perhaps the fact that my child is autistic, probably a combination of all of it...at any rate, the only way I get through my trials is the power of prayer. I don't do it all by myself and didn't get here all by myself.
Today I was watching a video with the kids, there was a line that caught my attention...
"it seems you have a pink ink in your think"
The song went on to say basically that we have all our hands, toes, etc in tact, if we get our head in the right place then we'll be all right. That's what's been going on with me, my head has been in the wrong place. I needed to focus on what is important. I am young and healthy, my children are beautiful and talented, I am a Christian, I have a wonderful family. What do I have to complain about? Yeah, I'm not happy about where I live. My job is...well, ok...but at least I have one. But I have been blessed once again with another sunrise. Sure, I struggle terribly with the Robert situation. But that is one that God is working in both of our lives. Besides my ex-husband, he is probably the only person I've had any kind of relationship with. He doesn't come in riding on a white horse ready to sweep me away to a beautiful castle. He doesn't shower me with gifts, roses, money or compliments. He doesn't promise me the moon and the stars, but I am thankful for him. He is so honest and patient with my situation and with my hang-ups. Yes, at times we stray from what we both know is appropriate behavior. Yes, I am so desperately wanting to rebuild my life and have a family once again. As the saying goes, God gives us what we need and not what we want. I want to be married, but I am thankful that I am not. I have been given the opportunity to mature spiritually and socially. I used to settle for what came my way. Now I know I have a voice and I will be heard. Now I'm trying to learn to shut up.
I am so thankful for what I have today because I struggled in the past. There was a time shortly before I found out that I was expecting my first child that I was told I would not have children at all. Here I sit, with 3 beautiful babies. what an honor it is to hear the word MAMA. (yeah, it's a little annoying at times too, but I love 'em).
Aah, the power of animated films and Psalms!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Rubble
"The choice is yours -- either stay buried in the rubble of past hurt, rejection, and doubt or let it go and give the actual experiences of your life a chance to build a new idea of what can be."
I read that from some site while I was surfing today. Totally moved me to write today.
Slowly but surely, the Lord is opening my eyes. Another blogger mentioned bondage in their life and it reminded me of a book I read a while back, or I should say, started reading, (I never finished it) entitled He Came to Set the Captives Free by Dr. Rebecca Brown. It spoke of bondage and spiritual warfare. I think that is what I may be going through. In my head I know what is right but I am having difficulty having my heart follow through & believe it. Aparently I have some bondage to some material or emotional issue that I thought I had let go but I can't.
The spiritual warfare thing, its like I can almost feel a force pulling me back. Just before I go to sleep on Saturday I start thinking about what I need to do in the am to prepare for church. Then, Sunday morning, Spencer will get sick, Mila will get sick in the car, the weather will be really bad, something will hold me back from service. Sounds strange, but this is the 1st time in my life that I have on my own accord desired to get closer to the Lord, maybe I'm seeing things differently.
Back to the aforementioned quote...
One thing I struggle with is trust. I feel I can't trust some family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Relationships in general are a difficult thing for everybody. Yes, people have hurt me terribly in the past and I can carry each memory with me bitterly or I can let it go and live today.
I think that I have done a good job of it despite my situation. I have come to terms regarding Trey's Autism by embracing the condition and fighting back with knowledge and education of what is to come. My living arangements could be better, I could have better money and my kids could have their father in their lives. Education and prayer are all I have and nobody can take that away from me. Like I said, despite the baggage I carry, I have done a pretty good job of carrying on. Life has given me TONS of lemons, I don't have lemonade yet, but i'm getting there.
I read that from some site while I was surfing today. Totally moved me to write today.
Slowly but surely, the Lord is opening my eyes. Another blogger mentioned bondage in their life and it reminded me of a book I read a while back, or I should say, started reading, (I never finished it) entitled He Came to Set the Captives Free by Dr. Rebecca Brown. It spoke of bondage and spiritual warfare. I think that is what I may be going through. In my head I know what is right but I am having difficulty having my heart follow through & believe it. Aparently I have some bondage to some material or emotional issue that I thought I had let go but I can't.
The spiritual warfare thing, its like I can almost feel a force pulling me back. Just before I go to sleep on Saturday I start thinking about what I need to do in the am to prepare for church. Then, Sunday morning, Spencer will get sick, Mila will get sick in the car, the weather will be really bad, something will hold me back from service. Sounds strange, but this is the 1st time in my life that I have on my own accord desired to get closer to the Lord, maybe I'm seeing things differently.
Back to the aforementioned quote...
One thing I struggle with is trust. I feel I can't trust some family members, friends, co-workers, etc. Relationships in general are a difficult thing for everybody. Yes, people have hurt me terribly in the past and I can carry each memory with me bitterly or I can let it go and live today.
I think that I have done a good job of it despite my situation. I have come to terms regarding Trey's Autism by embracing the condition and fighting back with knowledge and education of what is to come. My living arangements could be better, I could have better money and my kids could have their father in their lives. Education and prayer are all I have and nobody can take that away from me. Like I said, despite the baggage I carry, I have done a pretty good job of carrying on. Life has given me TONS of lemons, I don't have lemonade yet, but i'm getting there.
Can't Sleep total ramble
Ok, it's 2:57 am and I can't sleep....I have journaled like crazy these past few days not just on my blog but in my personal journal....something is bugging me and I can't quite pin point it.
This is going to be totally incoherent as I am half asleep at the moment.
I want to sleep so badly but I cant. I've been feeling a heavy pain in my chest, physically as if somebody were pushing me down. I would say I was overwhelmed but I don't think I am. a few things are bothering me right now, but "no big".
Finally after a week I talk to Robert. He's back from the school's Spiritual Emphasis Retreat. Now he's all pius. I vent to him about the silly things that are bothering me he responds that I need to read a few Psalms. NOW he wants to add that "spirituality" back into our relationship. Instead of making me feel good he made me feel even worse.
I haven't been able to sleep all night because of how bad I have felt. All the feelings I had placed in God's hands all the difficulties I released to him have resurfaced in a MAJOR way. Detailed thoughts that have not crossed my mind in almost 10 years flooded my brain in the past 6 hours. I am surrounded by a ton of little demons and they are working away at me.
Let me rewind a little bit to earlier this evening...On my way to the gas station I ran my car out of gas, yeah, irresponsible but a big part of that was no $$. I had to call my sis to help. She came out. I left, I didn't think to stay and wait for her to get back in the car. It was a busy street...bad sis...I feel bad for that. I was just glad that I was rescued. Went to the gas station to pump some more gas, started talking to some guy at the pump. Probably not a good idea. Even dumber, I gave him my business card with my phone number & email address. As I gave it to him he was like "Woah, Belly Dancing", I tell him that's my side job. He responds, "oh yeah". I should be used to responses like that after dancing for so many years, but it still bugs me. I suppose it depends on the context and source. I felt totally dirty. He was putting beer in a cooler in his truck. What WAS I THINKING?? I don't drink and smoke & I made a serious effort to remove myself from those who do yet here I am giving my number to some guy who just bought 2 6 packs of longnecks...I don't even know why I would have given him my number. I'm not even looking, he's physically not my type, I really don't know what came over me...
spencer is running a fever of 101 and has been for a few days. My mom continues to override my decisions about my children. Yes, she watches them for free, but the cost of frustration that she causes me is much more than I need...i told her not to send him to school one day this week but she did anyhow. she decided to keep him from school but didn't bother to tell me. i can't win.
speaking of frustration, she decided to cut trey's hair. She did it herself and its not a full haircut, just cut his bangs and other portions becuase she thought it just didn't look right...oh yeah, she didn't ask me, and it looks worse than it did before.
I'm telling Rob all this stuff and he tells me that I need to read psalms...instead of making me happy he made me feel bad stupid & dirty. He treats me like a toy. let's play this way today tomorrow we'll play another way. today let me be teh spiritual guru, tomorrow, lets blurr the line of what is morally acceptable on a date in my room. Why is it ok to do this. i feel bad because i allow this to happen, I am an adult and I can say no to whatever makes me uncomfortable. i feel stupid because he treats me like a little toy, his arm piece. the dirty part...i feel like i am doing something that would drive somebody with high moral standards to do something bad, against what they believe. i feel dirty becuse at the conclusion of our heavy petting session i get a "ok, i guess you gotta go, good night". i thought that after college years that i would have graduated from this type of non-chalant behavior...perhaps once a frat boy always a frat boy.
i am an open book with him, i tell him everything that happens in my world, yet I had to discover that he has MD through a blog which he published. there are 40 types of MD, to date I still don't know what type he has, he won't tell me.
very obvious, i need to sever these ties. he's not all bad or else i wouldn't totally adore him. i'm confused and unexperienced in the world of dating. he just hurts me. obvious by the amount of space which is occupied on this blog by my struggle in letting him go.
now its 3:37am...i think i may be able to sleep now.
This is going to be totally incoherent as I am half asleep at the moment.
I want to sleep so badly but I cant. I've been feeling a heavy pain in my chest, physically as if somebody were pushing me down. I would say I was overwhelmed but I don't think I am. a few things are bothering me right now, but "no big".
Finally after a week I talk to Robert. He's back from the school's Spiritual Emphasis Retreat. Now he's all pius. I vent to him about the silly things that are bothering me he responds that I need to read a few Psalms. NOW he wants to add that "spirituality" back into our relationship. Instead of making me feel good he made me feel even worse.
I haven't been able to sleep all night because of how bad I have felt. All the feelings I had placed in God's hands all the difficulties I released to him have resurfaced in a MAJOR way. Detailed thoughts that have not crossed my mind in almost 10 years flooded my brain in the past 6 hours. I am surrounded by a ton of little demons and they are working away at me.
Let me rewind a little bit to earlier this evening...On my way to the gas station I ran my car out of gas, yeah, irresponsible but a big part of that was no $$. I had to call my sis to help. She came out. I left, I didn't think to stay and wait for her to get back in the car. It was a busy street...bad sis...I feel bad for that. I was just glad that I was rescued. Went to the gas station to pump some more gas, started talking to some guy at the pump. Probably not a good idea. Even dumber, I gave him my business card with my phone number & email address. As I gave it to him he was like "Woah, Belly Dancing", I tell him that's my side job. He responds, "oh yeah". I should be used to responses like that after dancing for so many years, but it still bugs me. I suppose it depends on the context and source. I felt totally dirty. He was putting beer in a cooler in his truck. What WAS I THINKING?? I don't drink and smoke & I made a serious effort to remove myself from those who do yet here I am giving my number to some guy who just bought 2 6 packs of longnecks...I don't even know why I would have given him my number. I'm not even looking, he's physically not my type, I really don't know what came over me...
spencer is running a fever of 101 and has been for a few days. My mom continues to override my decisions about my children. Yes, she watches them for free, but the cost of frustration that she causes me is much more than I need...i told her not to send him to school one day this week but she did anyhow. she decided to keep him from school but didn't bother to tell me. i can't win.
speaking of frustration, she decided to cut trey's hair. She did it herself and its not a full haircut, just cut his bangs and other portions becuase she thought it just didn't look right...oh yeah, she didn't ask me, and it looks worse than it did before.
I'm telling Rob all this stuff and he tells me that I need to read psalms...instead of making me happy he made me feel bad stupid & dirty. He treats me like a toy. let's play this way today tomorrow we'll play another way. today let me be teh spiritual guru, tomorrow, lets blurr the line of what is morally acceptable on a date in my room. Why is it ok to do this. i feel bad because i allow this to happen, I am an adult and I can say no to whatever makes me uncomfortable. i feel stupid because he treats me like a little toy, his arm piece. the dirty part...i feel like i am doing something that would drive somebody with high moral standards to do something bad, against what they believe. i feel dirty becuse at the conclusion of our heavy petting session i get a "ok, i guess you gotta go, good night". i thought that after college years that i would have graduated from this type of non-chalant behavior...perhaps once a frat boy always a frat boy.
i am an open book with him, i tell him everything that happens in my world, yet I had to discover that he has MD through a blog which he published. there are 40 types of MD, to date I still don't know what type he has, he won't tell me.
very obvious, i need to sever these ties. he's not all bad or else i wouldn't totally adore him. i'm confused and unexperienced in the world of dating. he just hurts me. obvious by the amount of space which is occupied on this blog by my struggle in letting him go.
now its 3:37am...i think i may be able to sleep now.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
TO TOM ..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I hear what you are screaming.
One of my favorite mottos..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I went through a similar struggle when I became a mother. It started even before my son was born. I went from being the life of the party to the one who kicked everybody out at 10 so I could get to sleep. Slowly, my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. Once Trey was born I had to ask myself the same questions, is this a good influence in my son's life? How is this decision going to affect my son?
I am now divorced and although I know it is not the right thing according to biblical study, God's plan was, as it always is, PERFECT. I can relate to the best friend issue. My ex-husband who was my best friend didn't support my search for spiritual growth. He didn't put me down, but he knew how much I wanted to become closer to God, especially as a family. I can count on my right hand how many times we attend church on a non-holiday occassion in the 3 1/2 years of marriage. Of those times he didn't even sit inside during the whole service. Involved in the church...yeah right...Yep, this was my best friend. He and I remain great friends, but our values are different. I now see why it is important to be involved with somebody who has the same values and beliefs as yourself. We both grew up in very religous families but how we carried on beyond Sunday was like night & day. It wasn't until recently that I have been able to explore and grow in my spirituality. Just as I did as a new mother, when I became a Christian I had to re-evaluate EVERY aspect of my life. perhaps you can parrallel christianity with parenthood. CHildren often question things and it makes you think and re-evaluate every action because your baby is watching your every move. Think aobut it...God knows and is watching our every move. I have to answer my kids' every question, sooner or later we must answer to God.
As a Christian, single mother you can imagine what kind of a social life I have...none practically. You can imagine the amount of relationships I'm involved in, once again, practically none, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
My final thought...Thank you Tom for posting this. You have read that I have been struggling with some issues, particularly around a relationship. I needed to hear (or shall I say read) this.
One of my favorite mottos..."if that which you seek you find not within you will never find it without"...
I went through a similar struggle when I became a mother. It started even before my son was born. I went from being the life of the party to the one who kicked everybody out at 10 so I could get to sleep. Slowly, my circle of friends got smaller and smaller. Once Trey was born I had to ask myself the same questions, is this a good influence in my son's life? How is this decision going to affect my son?
I am now divorced and although I know it is not the right thing according to biblical study, God's plan was, as it always is, PERFECT. I can relate to the best friend issue. My ex-husband who was my best friend didn't support my search for spiritual growth. He didn't put me down, but he knew how much I wanted to become closer to God, especially as a family. I can count on my right hand how many times we attend church on a non-holiday occassion in the 3 1/2 years of marriage. Of those times he didn't even sit inside during the whole service. Involved in the church...yeah right...Yep, this was my best friend. He and I remain great friends, but our values are different. I now see why it is important to be involved with somebody who has the same values and beliefs as yourself. We both grew up in very religous families but how we carried on beyond Sunday was like night & day. It wasn't until recently that I have been able to explore and grow in my spirituality. Just as I did as a new mother, when I became a Christian I had to re-evaluate EVERY aspect of my life. perhaps you can parrallel christianity with parenthood. CHildren often question things and it makes you think and re-evaluate every action because your baby is watching your every move. Think aobut it...God knows and is watching our every move. I have to answer my kids' every question, sooner or later we must answer to God.
As a Christian, single mother you can imagine what kind of a social life I have...none practically. You can imagine the amount of relationships I'm involved in, once again, practically none, but I wouldn't change it for the world!
My final thought...Thank you Tom for posting this. You have read that I have been struggling with some issues, particularly around a relationship. I needed to hear (or shall I say read) this.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Turismo
Como cada mujer es un mundo aparte, a mi me encanta hacer turismo...
Translation....Since every woman is like a different world, I enjoy tourism...sorry, bad translation, but I think you get the gist.
Is this true. From the woman's eyes looking into a man's world, if this is true then I'm doomed to being single forever. Perhaps not doomed if that is in fact the mentality, but certainly not content if that is what is left out there.
Judging from this blog you would think I'm boy crazy and with little depth or dimension. Lately, I guess you can say I went through an emotional earthquake; the world that was under my feet has been shifted, the mountains and boulders that surround me have shattered and the heavens are cloudy and I can't seem to focus on the future.
Yeah, it takes me a while to shake things like this off.
I guess that its a little different this time...we somewhat had that spiritual thing going. Our second or third "official" date he gave me a bible. Not in a pushy way, more because I was so inquisitive. He has been wonderful in letting me explore and make my own decisions about spirituality, church and the such, but he was also my "teacher" for a while. We would study the Word together occassionally, which was more than any flowers or gifts I have ever received. Flowers wilt and gifts can be broken, but the gift of the Word is something that I can never exchange and I am forever grateful for this. What hurts most is how I am left now...he won't continue studying with me because he said that he isn't ready for that in our relationship. However, he is quite disrepectful towards me. Not anything noteworthy, just going against what he says he believes and certainly what I believe. This is where the cloudiness comes in...I can't distinguish between that line of what is acceptable and what is not.
Luckily, we never did the "family thing", my kids met him a few times, I never met his.
I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. OUr meeting was certainly not by chance. The reason we met is very clear in my life. My purpose to him...don't know yet. What I see as my purpose to him, not good...perhaps there's more to it. At any rate, Pray that I can accept the Lord's will. I don't understand why the Lord would want me to linger and pine over something that does not appear healthy. Perhaps in time this will all be revealved to me.
Translation....Since every woman is like a different world, I enjoy tourism...sorry, bad translation, but I think you get the gist.
Is this true. From the woman's eyes looking into a man's world, if this is true then I'm doomed to being single forever. Perhaps not doomed if that is in fact the mentality, but certainly not content if that is what is left out there.
Judging from this blog you would think I'm boy crazy and with little depth or dimension. Lately, I guess you can say I went through an emotional earthquake; the world that was under my feet has been shifted, the mountains and boulders that surround me have shattered and the heavens are cloudy and I can't seem to focus on the future.
Yeah, it takes me a while to shake things like this off.
I guess that its a little different this time...we somewhat had that spiritual thing going. Our second or third "official" date he gave me a bible. Not in a pushy way, more because I was so inquisitive. He has been wonderful in letting me explore and make my own decisions about spirituality, church and the such, but he was also my "teacher" for a while. We would study the Word together occassionally, which was more than any flowers or gifts I have ever received. Flowers wilt and gifts can be broken, but the gift of the Word is something that I can never exchange and I am forever grateful for this. What hurts most is how I am left now...he won't continue studying with me because he said that he isn't ready for that in our relationship. However, he is quite disrepectful towards me. Not anything noteworthy, just going against what he says he believes and certainly what I believe. This is where the cloudiness comes in...I can't distinguish between that line of what is acceptable and what is not.
Luckily, we never did the "family thing", my kids met him a few times, I never met his.
I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. OUr meeting was certainly not by chance. The reason we met is very clear in my life. My purpose to him...don't know yet. What I see as my purpose to him, not good...perhaps there's more to it. At any rate, Pray that I can accept the Lord's will. I don't understand why the Lord would want me to linger and pine over something that does not appear healthy. Perhaps in time this will all be revealved to me.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
What's my purpose?
So everyday I wake up, get the kiddies ready, rush to drop them off at grandma's, hustle on the beltway to work. I get there...now what. I know there are so many plusses to my position, many chances for advancement (potentially), but I feel my brain cells slowly going away. Just look at the way I now write ("my brain cells slowly going away"- what kind of grammar is that?). Had you seen my previous post you would know what I mean. GOD WHY DID YOU PUT ME THERE?
Let me quote a cool movie - Dogma - When you are young the glass is always full, as you get older the glass gets bigger to fill-
That's what I have been feeling lately. Lately as in the past 5 months.
Where am I 5 months later....
Let me quote a cool movie - Dogma - When you are young the glass is always full, as you get older the glass gets bigger to fill-
That's what I have been feeling lately. Lately as in the past 5 months.
- I quit my last job because I saw myself stressed out, not enjoying my life past 5:30 pm and taking out frustrations on my poor little angels. I need to FILL THE professional GLASS.
- I confronted my (in)significant other about my status in our 6 month relationship (yeah, it took him 4 months just to come out and admit that we were "dating"), I needed to FILL THE relationship GLASS.
- I started to research bible churches in the area and I found one, I've been attending since the end of January, I REALLY need to FILL the spiritual GLASS.
- I realize that I need to do something about my children's future and present. Ok, that's a bit of a challenge, and I'm still working on that one. I need to FILL the motherhood GLASS.
Where am I 5 months later....
- Found a job, still trying to figure this place out. I've never been so micro-managed. I have so much potential that has not even scratched the surface. Yet I stay there for the insurance for Trey. There is potential for personal growth, perhaps even professional growth, but Trey needs insurance.
- Still hanging on to a relationship that will never flourish. Hanging on to someone who pushes me away and unknowingly causes me much pain. Not healthy in any fashion. I think its only on this blog that I've ever admitted that I love this person. The reason I call him "my (in)significant other". In my heart I love and amire him (that's why he is "significant"). In my head I know what is right for my family and I spiritually, emotionally, etc. ["(in) significant" is me trying to convince myself that I won't answer another call or see him again and that it won't matter if he falls off the face of the earth]. I've been advised just use him for the dinner and a good time...that's not me and he means much more than a good time. I have ineffable gratitude towards him for the gift of showing me the Word. I can post this here because I know that he will never read this, even if I tell him to. If ever in the future he does, Robert, do you understand me now?
- Still trying to find a church home.
- Still trying to figure out the basics of raising 3 kids on my own. THis stress goes back to issue #2. I grew up in a home with 2 loving parents who would give me the moon & stars to make me smile. I feel so bad for my kids. Its not their fault that their dad & I made the choices we did. Its not my fault about the involvement their dad has. I feel it is my responsibility is to provide them with a normal home. What kind of a home is it without a dad? They are little but they understand. Even my 6 yr old nephew asks me when their dad is comming back with tears in his little eyes. Now just wait until I have to have the same conversation with my own kids. IN my bible studies I've read that kids need a stable home. What kind of a mother am I? The only thing I can thnk of doing is loving them the best way I know how to. I try my best to divide myself between the many hats I have to wear, it leaves little time to be the fun loving mom I want to be and that they need.
I think writing this blog has cleared many things for me, at least for the time being. I think I need to focus more on the little ones and forget all else. Most importantly, I need to leave it in God's hands.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Not Coming Home
by Maroon 5
Ok, so I'm on a Maroon 5 kick tonight. The concert was pretty darn awesome, listening to these songs live amongst 69,000 people was pretty cool. The songs take on a new meaning when 68,999 people are singing along with you. Once again for my "Prince Charming" who recently has become a toad...
When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
You do not know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But I have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
Once again....can I follow through? - Mere-
Ok, so I'm on a Maroon 5 kick tonight. The concert was pretty darn awesome, listening to these songs live amongst 69,000 people was pretty cool. The songs take on a new meaning when 68,999 people are singing along with you. Once again for my "Prince Charming" who recently has become a toad...
When you refuse me
You confuse me
What makes you think I'll let you in again
Think again my friend
Go on misuse me and abuse me
I'll come out stronger in the end
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
You do not know how much this hurts me
To say these things that I don't want to say
But I have to say them anyway
I would do anything to end your suffering
But you would rather walk away
And does it make you sad
To find yourself alone
And does it make you mad
To find that I have grown
I'll bet it hurts so bad
To see the strength that I have shown
When you answer the door pick up the phone
You won't find me cause I'm not coming home
Once again....can I follow through? - Mere-
Through With You
by Maroon 5
I know the person that this is intended for is not reading this! Too bad, he needs to. Perhaps seeing it in black & white will have some impact.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not hwo things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache Heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you.
-end-
Will I really make the call, probably not, but I should....Mere....
I know the person that this is intended for is not reading this! Too bad, he needs to. Perhaps seeing it in black & white will have some impact.
Can you see me
Floating above your head
As you lay in bed
Thinking about everything
That you did not do
Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it
And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call
That I know will never come
I used to think you were the one
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you
Oh cause I remember very well
And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep
Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not hwo things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache Heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch
There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you.
-end-
Will I really make the call, probably not, but I should....Mere....
How Do You Do It?
People often ask me "how do you do it?" with the kids, being single, juggle a full-time career, part-time business and somewhat of a social life, and manage to not have any grey hair...My answer used to be "I just do". Since this summer when I was introduced to the Word and really began exploring the bible my answer has changed to FAITH.
I have tons of wisdom in areas other than Christ & religion & politics. Ironic that i have a very limited knowledge of politics considering I am considered a "government employee". I have been having some issues with my Faith lately and as I said, it has been nice to hear refreshing & unbiased opinions. I say that because my friend who introduced me the Word said that it is better at this point not want to get involved with me on a spiritual level. That spoke volumes of his character and my position in his life needless to say. Why did he introduce me to the Word? Perhaps his civic duty? I've tried to analyze but I realize it doesn't matter, at this point to me that's the most beautiful gift anybody has ever given me. Although things obviously are not going to progress into anything more, I am thankful to have a wonderful person such as him in my life. Unknowingly he has changed my life and taught me more in 10 months about myself and my life than I have ever learned even through a 4 yr marriage, college and the birth of 3 children.
The whole relationship/spiritual teacher thing has been eating away at me and it helps to vent to a fresh pair of ears (or should I say eyes) to hear (read) this. Since January after much research, I started going to a Bible church and feel a little out of place there. Everybody is married and have on the average 3 - 4 kids. If they don't have kids they are newly weds or they are really old. Really nice church but I'm just the sore thumb. I don't know who to go to with my questions and having grown up all my life in a Catholic Church this is somewhat of a culture shock. Not a bad thing, just a matter of getting re programed - a good thing nonetheless. My mom thinks that I go to a cult church or something because it is not Catholic. I have 2 much older sisters. My oldest goes to church to see & be seen. She is the classic "Sunday Catholic" if ever there was one. So involved with everything that she isn't involved with what is important, her family. My other sister is a church hopper, strong in Faith and very intelligent but sometimes those intelligent types are a struggle to converse with.
What I need to do is truely live faithfully. Put the faith that I have in my head and put it in my heart and let it guide me or shall I say, let Him guide me. Easier said than done.
Accepting Christ was so easy. Yes, I want to go to heaven. Yes, I want to be Saved and forgiven. When I was first studying there was such a clarity and a peace in my heart about everything. Now what? Why am I so clouded and confused? Do all Christians feel this way??
That's all I have to say about that....
I have tons of wisdom in areas other than Christ & religion & politics. Ironic that i have a very limited knowledge of politics considering I am considered a "government employee". I have been having some issues with my Faith lately and as I said, it has been nice to hear refreshing & unbiased opinions. I say that because my friend who introduced me the Word said that it is better at this point not want to get involved with me on a spiritual level. That spoke volumes of his character and my position in his life needless to say. Why did he introduce me to the Word? Perhaps his civic duty? I've tried to analyze but I realize it doesn't matter, at this point to me that's the most beautiful gift anybody has ever given me. Although things obviously are not going to progress into anything more, I am thankful to have a wonderful person such as him in my life. Unknowingly he has changed my life and taught me more in 10 months about myself and my life than I have ever learned even through a 4 yr marriage, college and the birth of 3 children.
The whole relationship/spiritual teacher thing has been eating away at me and it helps to vent to a fresh pair of ears (or should I say eyes) to hear (read) this. Since January after much research, I started going to a Bible church and feel a little out of place there. Everybody is married and have on the average 3 - 4 kids. If they don't have kids they are newly weds or they are really old. Really nice church but I'm just the sore thumb. I don't know who to go to with my questions and having grown up all my life in a Catholic Church this is somewhat of a culture shock. Not a bad thing, just a matter of getting re programed - a good thing nonetheless. My mom thinks that I go to a cult church or something because it is not Catholic. I have 2 much older sisters. My oldest goes to church to see & be seen. She is the classic "Sunday Catholic" if ever there was one. So involved with everything that she isn't involved with what is important, her family. My other sister is a church hopper, strong in Faith and very intelligent but sometimes those intelligent types are a struggle to converse with.
What I need to do is truely live faithfully. Put the faith that I have in my head and put it in my heart and let it guide me or shall I say, let Him guide me. Easier said than done.
Accepting Christ was so easy. Yes, I want to go to heaven. Yes, I want to be Saved and forgiven. When I was first studying there was such a clarity and a peace in my heart about everything. Now what? Why am I so clouded and confused? Do all Christians feel this way??
That's all I have to say about that....
Sunday, April 17, 2005
IF Only
Looking in retrospect, I think I'm pretty darned dramatic. If the time and energy I spend on worring and analyzing things would be spent on action-spending quality time with my little girl, doing more for others that REALLY matter, prayer, organizing for my family-how different my life would be today.
My pastor said some pretty moving things today. I always walk away with more questions than before. I analyze every detail of the prior week and I feel somewhat humbled. Come Tuesday, I'm back to griping about the kids crying too much, not having enough money, etc. etc. Does everybody do this?
I now see why the term "journey with Christ" is implied. Our pastor mentioned that our trials are not just to test us but to benefit others, perhaps touch others' lives. I don't have much to say about that. It was just one of those days that I walked away feeling like I can really put my trust and all my worries in His hands.
My pastor said some pretty moving things today. I always walk away with more questions than before. I analyze every detail of the prior week and I feel somewhat humbled. Come Tuesday, I'm back to griping about the kids crying too much, not having enough money, etc. etc. Does everybody do this?
I now see why the term "journey with Christ" is implied. Our pastor mentioned that our trials are not just to test us but to benefit others, perhaps touch others' lives. I don't have much to say about that. It was just one of those days that I walked away feeling like I can really put my trust and all my worries in His hands.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Just Ranting about my frustrations...
Lately I've been totally frustrated as many of us are. Work, kids, the (in) significant other. I don't know why I am frustrated with work. It is a totally zero stress job. I guess it bugs me that I have a job where I have about 12 people delegating to me when i was the one delegating to others for a few years. Now, if there isn't enough juice & soda in the fridge I get fussed at...oh well. It sounds silly, but it still bothers me. The kids, well you know. Having 3 toddlers under the age of 5 is often a challenge. There is so much they could have and so much they could be learning if I had a normal home life. I want to give them things in regards to their upbringing and their culture. Its difficult to be mom & dad, good parent & bad parent, provider, friend, nurse and secretary all wraped in one. That brings me to the next item on the list, the significant other. In the second sentence I named him the (in)significant other. To me he is totally significant. I'd do anything for him if he asked. I try to be respectful of giving him space even though he doesn't come right out & ask for it. This can be a challenge to me because I have been used to being the center of attention when I am in a relationship (good at times, bad at times). At any rate, I'm not accustomed to this casual dating thing. Casual dating is tough for me because after much evaluation of my life I realize that casual dating is not what fits for my life. Aparently God thinks this is what fits for my life or he would not have me in this situation. Its more like casual dating is not what I WANT for my life. Which brings me back to the whole, kid frustration. The most important thing for them is consistency. My poor middle son is so attached to males. My oldest son calls all men Daddy. This weekend I had them watched at a church program where there is a 1:1 ratio. My middle son was paired up with a male. He cried so much because he wanted to stay with him. On the way home I cried too because I know that he needs a male in his life. Not that I date that often or that I bring the kids with me on the few dates I go out on but any man that spends even an hour around us they get attached to....I want to start over and have a normal life for these kids. All I ever wanted was a little girl. I have her now and I have no time to devote to her because I feel like the trinity, spliting myself between those 3 little angels. It's not their fault that I had the problems that I did with their dad. I try my best to balance my job, my kids, my household and manage to fit in a social life somewhere in the middle of it all. In balancing all these things I can't say that I give 100% to any of it. I get very frustrated with the kids because all I want is for them to be able to grow up with what I did...a mom & dad. I'm sorry kids. I always told myself I would never be one of those single moms who dates just to fill in the daddy slot. Here I am, writing this blog... I'm in no hurry to get married by any means, I'm just feeling despondent as of late...I sound almost desparate writing this blog, which I think I'm pretty independent, but it was nice when I did have their dad around. It will never be the same with somebody else by my side raising these little ones. I'm scared that I will make the wrong decision. I feel confident that I made the right decision in leaving their dad. My significant other...he is everything I've ever wanted. Most of all he is spiritual. I get a little confused because he tends to be conflicted - his words and actions don't always match. I am so hurt by his actions at times. I am not supposed to discuss our relationship, but I want clarification. I know now that our relationship will not flourish into anything more than what it is at present which will suit me fine now, but later will not fit for the kids and I. I have prayed that God work His will & His ways in both of our lives. I have never openly admited this, but I totally love this significant other. My family has been telling me that I do for some time, but I just blow it off. Perhaps I am not in love with him, but I do care about him deeply, especially since he opened my eyes to the Word of the Lord. I am hurt that the feelings I have not been & will not be reciprocated. I like to think that I have been saved. Perhaps I have not been. If I've been saved then why do I feel this way. If any other Christians are reading this, can you shed some light on the matter?
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