Yes, I'm still alive...

I'm certain that nobody really reads this thing...especially since it has been like a year since I've last posted. If anybody cares, yes, I'm still here. Tons has gone on since my last post. It's been cool just to read some of my old posts and see where I was and where I'm at now. Its been a little sad too...

Happy in many ways...Sad, because now its in black & white, I've lost my footing on my journey. Time to get back on track. Perhaps part of it is me being my worst critic and part of it is post-partum depression (let's blame it on that while I still have the chance to...ha ha)

HAPPY HAPPY
I have another beautiful baby girl
I feel very loved and appreciated and much support.

Two quick and short phrases but huge meaning behind each. Yet I'm still longing and a little down.

Sad :(
Mainly, I've been uneasy with my spiritual journey. Yet another small sentence with heavy meaning.

I have not been myself for quite some time. The core of what I was and what I did was ripped out. I feel weak. There have been so many obstacles placed in my path, but I always found a way above or around it and continued. Why is it when it comes to "matters of the heart" I can be so vulnerable and so weak. I was even given the opportunity to "turn back", but I kept going full speed ahead. In no way do I regret the birth of my beautiful daughter, but I wish it was in a different manner. Its as if the blessing of my dearest main squeeze is much like a curse because of how weak I tend to be. I want acceptance so badly that I will not follow what I truely believe sometimes. As I mentioned before, there is absolutely no reason for me to be weak other than the devil is just playing his games in the tremendous spiritual warfare. It is not asked of me to give up what I believe or my values, but I just did because it is the only way that I knew how to express my affection, admiration, etc. What is really sad is that it was my strength & values that first brought about the attraction.

Part of my sadness is me being harsh on myself, part of it is tremendous stress, part of it is uncertainty of what is to come next. I have been really hard on myself because I knew I was doing things that were not right, yet I always found justification, some way some how. I got tremendous support from my old church and they embraced my situation so much more than I expected, especially for a Southern Baptist church. Their take on it all...we stumble then we get up; my take on it - I'm wearing the scarlet letter and I need to remain in hiding. Yet another reason for my sadness, I miss my old church and my church friends.

Re-born Again
I read somewhere that I should list all my sins throughout my life...(wow, that would fill a book) and just take it to God and ask for forgiveness. Guess that's what I'll have to do. I think I now understand what it is to be "re-born again". I need to just start where I did a few years ago and just go back to square one of being saved. Perhaps this chapter in my life is to touch somebody or bodies just as many people have touched my life and helped me in my journey.

Reading my old blog posts made me a little sad becuase I remember how sweet the air was and how bright the sunrise was for me. Despite all the adversity I found hope and joy because I knew that every breath I took and every trial was a blessing. Now I don't think like that so much. Relying to much on man and not my heavenly father.

Try try again...
My upcomming goals...
Go to church - with the "right" heart - not just for the legalistic aspect
Lose the baby weight before June or July
Focus on the family more - Enjoy them, not just endure them
Focus on work more - give 110% while I'm there
Fight fight fight for my little Mark and Mila
Embrace my new city, its not so bad here after all

Well, once again rambling...