Just Ranting about my frustrations...

Lately I've been totally frustrated as many of us are. Work, kids, the (in) significant other. I don't know why I am frustrated with work. It is a totally zero stress job. I guess it bugs me that I have a job where I have about 12 people delegating to me when i was the one delegating to others for a few years. Now, if there isn't enough juice & soda in the fridge I get fussed at...oh well. It sounds silly, but it still bothers me. The kids, well you know. Having 3 toddlers under the age of 5 is often a challenge. There is so much they could have and so much they could be learning if I had a normal home life. I want to give them things in regards to their upbringing and their culture. Its difficult to be mom & dad, good parent & bad parent, provider, friend, nurse and secretary all wraped in one. That brings me to the next item on the list, the significant other. In the second sentence I named him the (in)significant other. To me he is totally significant. I'd do anything for him if he asked. I try to be respectful of giving him space even though he doesn't come right out & ask for it. This can be a challenge to me because I have been used to being the center of attention when I am in a relationship (good at times, bad at times). At any rate, I'm not accustomed to this casual dating thing. Casual dating is tough for me because after much evaluation of my life I realize that casual dating is not what fits for my life. Aparently God thinks this is what fits for my life or he would not have me in this situation. Its more like casual dating is not what I WANT for my life. Which brings me back to the whole, kid frustration. The most important thing for them is consistency. My poor middle son is so attached to males. My oldest son calls all men Daddy. This weekend I had them watched at a church program where there is a 1:1 ratio. My middle son was paired up with a male. He cried so much because he wanted to stay with him. On the way home I cried too because I know that he needs a male in his life. Not that I date that often or that I bring the kids with me on the few dates I go out on but any man that spends even an hour around us they get attached to....I want to start over and have a normal life for these kids. All I ever wanted was a little girl. I have her now and I have no time to devote to her because I feel like the trinity, spliting myself between those 3 little angels. It's not their fault that I had the problems that I did with their dad. I try my best to balance my job, my kids, my household and manage to fit in a social life somewhere in the middle of it all. In balancing all these things I can't say that I give 100% to any of it. I get very frustrated with the kids because all I want is for them to be able to grow up with what I did...a mom & dad. I'm sorry kids. I always told myself I would never be one of those single moms who dates just to fill in the daddy slot. Here I am, writing this blog... I'm in no hurry to get married by any means, I'm just feeling despondent as of late...I sound almost desparate writing this blog, which I think I'm pretty independent, but it was nice when I did have their dad around. It will never be the same with somebody else by my side raising these little ones. I'm scared that I will make the wrong decision. I feel confident that I made the right decision in leaving their dad. My significant other...he is everything I've ever wanted. Most of all he is spiritual. I get a little confused because he tends to be conflicted - his words and actions don't always match. I am so hurt by his actions at times. I am not supposed to discuss our relationship, but I want clarification. I know now that our relationship will not flourish into anything more than what it is at present which will suit me fine now, but later will not fit for the kids and I. I have prayed that God work His will & His ways in both of our lives. I have never openly admited this, but I totally love this significant other. My family has been telling me that I do for some time, but I just blow it off. Perhaps I am not in love with him, but I do care about him deeply, especially since he opened my eyes to the Word of the Lord. I am hurt that the feelings I have not been & will not be reciprocated. I like to think that I have been saved. Perhaps I have not been. If I've been saved then why do I feel this way. If any other Christians are reading this, can you shed some light on the matter?