Can't Sleep total ramble

Ok, it's 2:57 am and I can't sleep....I have journaled like crazy these past few days not just on my blog but in my personal journal....something is bugging me and I can't quite pin point it.

This is going to be totally incoherent as I am half asleep at the moment.

I want to sleep so badly but I cant. I've been feeling a heavy pain in my chest, physically as if somebody were pushing me down. I would say I was overwhelmed but I don't think I am. a few things are bothering me right now, but "no big".

Finally after a week I talk to Robert. He's back from the school's Spiritual Emphasis Retreat. Now he's all pius. I vent to him about the silly things that are bothering me he responds that I need to read a few Psalms. NOW he wants to add that "spirituality" back into our relationship. Instead of making me feel good he made me feel even worse.

I haven't been able to sleep all night because of how bad I have felt. All the feelings I had placed in God's hands all the difficulties I released to him have resurfaced in a MAJOR way. Detailed thoughts that have not crossed my mind in almost 10 years flooded my brain in the past 6 hours. I am surrounded by a ton of little demons and they are working away at me.

Let me rewind a little bit to earlier this evening...On my way to the gas station I ran my car out of gas, yeah, irresponsible but a big part of that was no $$. I had to call my sis to help. She came out. I left, I didn't think to stay and wait for her to get back in the car. It was a busy street...bad sis...I feel bad for that. I was just glad that I was rescued. Went to the gas station to pump some more gas, started talking to some guy at the pump. Probably not a good idea. Even dumber, I gave him my business card with my phone number & email address. As I gave it to him he was like "Woah, Belly Dancing", I tell him that's my side job. He responds, "oh yeah". I should be used to responses like that after dancing for so many years, but it still bugs me. I suppose it depends on the context and source. I felt totally dirty. He was putting beer in a cooler in his truck. What WAS I THINKING?? I don't drink and smoke & I made a serious effort to remove myself from those who do yet here I am giving my number to some guy who just bought 2 6 packs of longnecks...I don't even know why I would have given him my number. I'm not even looking, he's physically not my type, I really don't know what came over me...

spencer is running a fever of 101 and has been for a few days. My mom continues to override my decisions about my children. Yes, she watches them for free, but the cost of frustration that she causes me is much more than I need...i told her not to send him to school one day this week but she did anyhow. she decided to keep him from school but didn't bother to tell me. i can't win.

speaking of frustration, she decided to cut trey's hair. She did it herself and its not a full haircut, just cut his bangs and other portions becuase she thought it just didn't look right...oh yeah, she didn't ask me, and it looks worse than it did before.

I'm telling Rob all this stuff and he tells me that I need to read psalms...instead of making me happy he made me feel bad stupid & dirty. He treats me like a toy. let's play this way today tomorrow we'll play another way. today let me be teh spiritual guru, tomorrow, lets blurr the line of what is morally acceptable on a date in my room. Why is it ok to do this. i feel bad because i allow this to happen, I am an adult and I can say no to whatever makes me uncomfortable. i feel stupid because he treats me like a little toy, his arm piece. the dirty part...i feel like i am doing something that would drive somebody with high moral standards to do something bad, against what they believe. i feel dirty becuse at the conclusion of our heavy petting session i get a "ok, i guess you gotta go, good night". i thought that after college years that i would have graduated from this type of non-chalant behavior...perhaps once a frat boy always a frat boy.

i am an open book with him, i tell him everything that happens in my world, yet I had to discover that he has MD through a blog which he published. there are 40 types of MD, to date I still don't know what type he has, he won't tell me.

very obvious, i need to sever these ties. he's not all bad or else i wouldn't totally adore him. i'm confused and unexperienced in the world of dating. he just hurts me. obvious by the amount of space which is occupied on this blog by my struggle in letting him go.

now its 3:37am...i think i may be able to sleep now.